Aunt Flo Can Fuck Off

"The Naked Nap is like Fight Club... You may know the author, but you don't speak about it."-ME!

Have you ever woken up in the morning with such severe blood loss you are dizzy upon standing up?  I mean dizzy, but not hangover/need water STAT dizzy; but due to the lack of blood circulating through and out your body dizzy?  Basically, that is what happened to me the morning after staying at Mase’s house. 

            I woke up at 6AM with severe anxiety about something, so I went to go to the bathroom.  Being that I have only stayed there a hand full of times I have yet to meet his family.  Which is fine by me!  I honestly don’t want to be known as that dirty, skanky, stay out girl.  So whatever.  I walk to the bathroom and the light is on, I can see it shining under the closed door.  Being that I am nimble and shit, I backtrack down the stairs and run/stagger back to the bedroom.

            “Someone is in the bathroom!”

            “Impossible.  No one is here.”

            “Well they’re here now!”

            Fuck it, I went back to bed.  If I die of TSS it will only be my own fault.  I got up again at around 9:30.  Frantic now, I went back upstairs to go to the bathroom and it’s clear, so I shut the door and sit down.  My entire pant (new pants, mind you) is covered in blood.  I mean saturated!  I don’t have any tampons, because WHY would a person have tampons while riding the crimson wave!?  It would only make sense.  So I kind of pad my now ruined underwear with toilet paper and go back downstairs.  I think I was too intoxicated to drive still, so I laid back down for a second. 

            We chatted about bull shit from the night before.  It was really kind of like a recanting because bits and pieces come back to me as memories are triggered.  It was definitely an interesting night according to the things that I remembered and hearing what he had to say.  Oh, BTW, I didn’t ruin his bed sheets or anything, just as an FYI because trust me, I was petrified to even look!

            But anyways, I get home, I take a shower, I throw my bloody pants in the wash and I go to the store.  My list of things to get is as followed: TAMPONS, meat, veggies, and a healthy snack.  What do I come home with?  ZERO TAMPONS, meat, veggies, chips, hummus, yogurts (which I don’t even fucking like) cheese and crackers, sushi, and a big fat box of gushers.  Does this sound like a woman on her period?  Minus the whole forgetting tampons thing?  Because, you know, normal people do that! 

            I go home, I make meatloaf cupcakes and mashed potatoes and corn.  I stuff my face, take a nap and get up for round 2.  Round 2 consists of this; go to work, eat a lot, deal with Flo, go home and go to bed because the night before knocked me out for 48 hours.  Loser?  Yes, yes I am.

            So, here I am at work now, working very hard, and I still have Flo pestering me (she is cramping my style—Pun intended—but the only good thing is that I don’t have to shave for a few days and I like that).  However, it’s not heavy enough to really require a tampon (thank god because I don’t happen to have any and I get them from work if they’re needed).  But I do use a light flow pad just as a precaution.  But I had to do some surgery on it because it was a granny panty pad and I wear things.  I folded the g-string part down so it fit the thong and  I went on my merry way.  Now, I know that this is going to sound gross, but you read all the other rancid shit I write on here, so get over it; while walking to one of the buildings on campus I notice that this pad has shifted.  I try to ignore it, but I can’t ignore it!  Again, It’s not a thong pad!!

            I have never been more aware of my vagina in my ENTIRE LIFE!  I felt like every step I took was one step closer to a fucking Brazilian wax.  No joke.  This goddamn thing was ripping at my vagina for a good 10 minutes as I went to deal with one of the children.  Wanna know the worst part?  There was nothing I could do to help myself!  I couldn’t very well reach down into my pants and rip it off without people seeing.  And I couldn’t walk like a penguin to extinguish the pain of the downside of a pad ripping my lips.  I had to grin and bear it! 

            Upon returning to the nursing station, I went to the bathroom, said to myself, “self get your shit together!” and ripped.  Kind of like a Band-Aid.  Only more painful being that it was on my FUCKING VAGINA! 

            Lesson to be had here:  I don’t have a fucking lesson for this one.  It sucks being a girl and unfortunately we already know this.  Sorry for the lack of hilarity, but this is all I got!