People

            It’s really a wondrous thing.  People.  I typically go out every night and have a few drinks with some friends, usually they’re different friends every night.  But tonight I happened upon Cheese, Thad, and Leigh. 

            Leigh is good friends with Guy #1.  And as much as it kills me to rant on about that fucking idiot, I cant help but let it happen.  I don’t know what it is about that motherfucker, but I can’t help but harp on him.  I also don’t know if its one of those things where he was the first guy I slept with after the breakup but it doesn’t even matter because I know the truth, which he doesn’t know, nor does anyone else know.  I have had a crush on him since last summer when I first met him. We were both in relationships at the time and I don’t know, we just hit it off. 

            So here I sit, drunk, wondering what the fuck went wrong in the friendship/fucking-ship to make him not to want to even be my friend anymore.  I don’t think I got too weird for him.  Granted he knew about my feelings and I knew about his being that we talked about it one day.  It happened to be the day that we decided to take things slowly and he didn’t talk to me for 3 days leading me onto this fucking date with the “Swamp People” guy.  (No, not someone from the actually swamp, refer to blogs). 

            I get home after a few hours at the bar with my friends and I get a message from Leigh.  He is a friend of ours and he met us out at the Watering Hole. He asks me if I wanted to go back out.  I said shit no, I didn’t want to go anywhere.

            Now, let me just throw this out there; I don’t know whats been going on with me lately.  I feel like I have been suffocating in this shit hole town.  I feel as though I am kind of sinking into a depression and it’s not good.  Lets think about this; in a month and a half my grandmother dies, I get laid off, one of my best friends dies, and then I get dumped at the funeral in a fucking note.  Now, my car is a piece of shit, my dad is on my ass about every little thing that I do.  I am going to have to move home where there is NO room for me.  And I am just having a problem with everything that’s afore mentioned.  It fucking sucks being in this situation.           

            So anyways, I am sitting on the couch bull shitting with Leigh about some things, and I tell him straight up that I am having a hard time.  He is one of my good friends at this point; I have known him for the better part of 8/9 years.  I tell him I don’t like being alone and that his friends are gaping ass holes (Guy #1).  He says he knows he’s an ass hole (hahaha) and then he goes on to tell me that he knows 4 guys that would love to be with me.

            HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.

            4 guys that would ‘fight’ for me?!  And I am just learning of this now!?  Does he have any idea I write a sex blog?!  (Actually, no, none of my guy friend knows about this sex blog… the girls do, but the guys would judge the shit out of me.  Thad may even disembowel me).  Does he know that I use men strictly for sex and the bite their heads off, like a praying mantis?!  Does he know that my sex blog is dry because, of you know, you need to actually have sex to fucking write about it!?  God damnit Leigh!  God damnit!

            “You know 4 people, and I am just hearing about this?  Who are they?”

            He names 4 guys he works with.

            “I don’t even know them!  They have never seen me!”

            “They’re some guys from work.  But they’re no good for you, they’re man whores.”

            Ummmm… hello!  I love a good man whore.  I mean I kind of am the female version of a man whore.  (Does that make me a regular whore?  I am not a whore; I just like sex…  a lot… with anyone… whatever.)

            “And they’re willing to fight for me.  They don’t even know me.”

            “Yea, in case you haven’t looked in the mirror lately, your super hot.”

            That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but Ok.  So these people don’t want to actually meet me for me, they think I am ‘hot’ so they want to see me naked.  (Don’t get me wrong, I am down for that, but I do have some standards, I am going to have to see them first HAHAHA).

            Now all I have to do is actually meet them and decide which one is going to be the next victim.  Not going to lie, if they’re ugly I am not going there.  That is wrong, and I may be shooting myself in the foot Karma-wise, but I have standards.  Low ones, but they still exist.  

Top 10 List

         I was hanging out with my favorite aunt and a few of my friends at my house one day and after a few shots of Crown Royale, she was feeling a little loose.  She asks me all about The Ex, and I go on to tell her that it is 100% over and I don’t want anything to do with him.  Even if he did call me asking for me back I am positive that I wouldn’t do it due to the fact that he is not to be trusted and he broke up with me in a way that is unforgivable. 

         She goes on to tell me that when she was dating she made a top ten list.  10 men that she had met in the past and always thought there was something there, or she thought they were attractive, or she just had some sort of a connection to.  You make this list and then you go find these men.  Anyways, there is the whole idea behind a top ten list. 

         So I am trying to take my aunts idea and make a list for myself.  However, the problem is this; I can’t think of anyone from my past that I would want to add to a list.  The past 6 years of my life have been spent on one man and I didn’t look at anyone else.  I didn’t feel a connection with any other man, I mean why would I?  Then even before The Ex, I was in college 1000 miles away from New York.  And frankly, no one at that college did anything for me.  Not to mention it is STILL 1000 miles away and I am not trying to long distance date.

         Here we go then.  This is going to be my top ten list.  However, I think I only have 4 people on it as of right now.  And they aren’t people from my past; they are people I recently met.  Whatever, it still works!

1.    Hot Guy from ball- He is cute.  He has money (old and new money).  He is family oriented and I know this because he doesn’t show up to play when its mothers or fathers day.  I mean, props for being that close with them, but show up to the game dude!  He works out and has a very nice body.  He clearly likes sports, and that’s also good because I am a sports enthusiast.  He had sandy blonde hair, cut short (but not marine short ya know?) blue eyes and straight white teeth.  Flaw is this; he is younger than me (I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good thing or a bad thing.  He can be trained right?)  He is also extremely shy.  I don’t know how to even go about penetrating that hard external shell.

2.    Cheese’s friend from college- Lets just say this; I don’t know this man from a hole in the wall.  I definitely stalked him on Facebook and said I would meet him.  He is cute.  Dark hair and I have no idea what color eyes.  He makes money; he seems to look OK when I undressed him with my eyes in his profile picture.  However, I don’t know.  As we learned the hard way, profile pictures are deceiving.  Thad also told me that he was a good guy.  And for Thad to take that initiative, I think it could be a nice match?  I don’t know.  Downfall is this; he currently lives in Philly.  But is apparently he is moving to New York City for work.  Closer, but not close enough for me. I did the whole ‘live in the city, date someone long distance from the city’ and look how well that works out for me!  Tragic ending!

3.    Jeff- I guess he would be the one blast from the past to make this list.  He has dark hair, and light eyes.  He looks like he lost a little weight and has been working out.  He likes the Yankees and sports.  Other than that, I don’t know a fucking thing about him anymore, and apparently I will not get the chance to ask questions or probe him due to the fact that we still have not met up.  Downfall: we still havn’t met up!

4.    Guy #1.  DON’T JUDGE ME!  There is nothing I can do about feelings.  I mean I am not going to say that it is ‘love’ because at this juncture for me to even think about something like love is impossible to fathom.  I am still wondering if it really exists.  But whatever.  I think he is adorable.  I can’t help it; even though he is a total ass crack most of the time.  He has a good job, owns a home, brown hair, blue eyes, nice arms.  Downfall: Ughhh… Moving on.  I need to find a number 5. 

5.    Find me 6 more people!

So here we are, I have 4 people.  I have been working on this list for about a month.  I got nothing.  I have no fucking idea where I am going to find 6 more people to finish out the list.  I don’t even know if there are 6 more guys in this world that I would even want to add to it!

I am supposed to be meeting with Cheese tomorrow to discuss this list, and this is the best I have.  She is going to be upset with me!  If you know any single men looking for a single woman…  Send them my way!

What a Moron

         

            It’s father’s day.  My mom calls me up and asks me to come over to help cook and clean and whatnot.  I, of course, go because I want to make my black bean hummus. 

            I finish making the hummus, I sit down at the table and I am playing on Facebook when I hear a truck pulling up into the driveway.  I don’t really care to move to see who it is.  But then I realize it is a familiar truck.

            “Mom, who is supposed to be coming here?”

            “Oh, Guy #1.  He is picking up the pig roaster.”

            Fan-fucking-tastic.  Why not!?

            Now, my car is on the fritz, so he doesn’t know that I am at my moms.  He comes to the front door and comes inside, as the door is always open and people just tend to walk in.  No worries, everyone does it.

            That motherfucker didn’t even acknowledge me!  I said hello to him and his friend and I get nothing!  Not even a fucking wave.  First of all, not only did you tell me to go fuck myself at MY house, but now you’re going to act like a fucking ass hole at my mom’s house?!  This has got to be some kind of joke.  Alas, it is not a joke.  I wish I had a water bottle handy.  Donkey Kong!

            Fuck it!  I don’t move from my chair to deal out hugs, I just continue to Facebook and whatnot.  He talks to my mom for like 5 minutes and I am sitting right near them. 

            Long story short; they go outside to load the truck up and I stay inside.  I show my face on the porch to grab some herbs or something, and I know he looked at me without me having to make eye contact.  Fucker.  Yea, I am wearing short shorts and a skank top.  Keep looking!  I am going to rant here!!

            I’m so sorry you felt it necessary to come over here to pick up the roaster.  I am sorry you act like a fucking child when it comes to, oh, I don’t know, life in general.  I am incredibly sorry you think it’s ok to walk into someone’s house and not even say hello to them, making everything a million times more obvious and awkward.  I am sorry you were probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  And most of all, I am sorry that you exist in my small world. Go fuck yourself.

            See, what I don’t understand is why.  I don’t understand why you act like that?  You’re the one that wanted nothing to do with me after 2 months of consistent hanging out and shit.  You’re the one that got weirded out when I went out on a date.  You’re the one that said to me, “are we just going to do this forever?” when we were making out on the porch at the Watering Hole.  You’re the one that asked me to come over all the time.  You’re the one that made me dinner.  You’re the one that ended things, and I was fine with it.  But then you were also the one that calls my friends and sister in hopes of acting like were in 4^th grade and your punching me on the playground trying to make me mad.  In actuality, you’re not making me mad, your making me hate you.  Like, a lot. 

            So he leaves.  Then of course my mom turns to me and says, “I take it your not talking to Guy #1?”

            “What are you saying about?  I said hello to him.”

            “Seems to me like you guys are fighting.”

            If she only fucking knew.

            “Na, were not fighting.”

            She knows now, if I put it off all those other times she would ask about why I was hanging out with him all the time, and me making amazing excuses for myself, it was all for naught.  She knows. 

            In closing, Guy #1, make like an ice cream cone, and lick me. 

Oh! Awesome! Why not!?

Last night goes as follows:  I am supposed to meet up with Jeff at some point, watch the Yankee game, and have a few drinks.  We decide were going to go halfway between his house and mine.  Perfect.  I don’t want to drive alllll the way to his town, and I am sure the feeling was mutual.

Around 5:30 I get a message from him saying something about, “my mom just called me from Hawaii and I have to go check on my grandmother.  She’s not feeling well.”  Bla, whatever.  I guess it’s a good excuse right?  “I will be as quick as I can!”

“No problem!” is my response. 

In the meantime, I get ready; I have decided to go curly hair with red lipstick.  Tight pants and a black lacy backed shirt.  I guess that was good enough for a first date.  An hour goes by and now I am bored!  I call up Finny and we decide to meet out at the bar anyways.  I am not going to sit around and wait for him; I am not that kind of girl!  So I go out and meet Finny and her friends.

Another few hours go by and I am perplexed.  I havn’t gotten anything from Jeff and, I mean, I am not mad but I am starting to steam.  6 years ago I met the Ex on a night where I was stood up.  So being as history repeats itself I decide, fuck it!  I am going to look around to see if there is anyone in this bar worth talking to.  Long story short, no.  They’re all married, or fat, or bald, and probably most likely gay.  Which if course is the story of my life. 

I then decide fuck it again!  I am going to text him.

“Hope everything went well with your grandma.  I was thinking ‘this bar’ if that’s ok?”

See what I did there?  Put it in the past tense so maybe if he is really dealing with his grandma he could get caught in a web of lies.  And if he answers, he has been done with her for some time and again, caught in lies.  But, alas, he does not answer me right away.

One hour and 8 minutes goes by and then I hear my phone go off.

“Will you hate me if I bail?  I just want to go home right now.  Depressing stuff.”

Thank god I didn’t act like a complete dick head and say something smart-ass like.  I mean, I don’t know if he is being honest about this whole thing, or if he is really having an issue with his grandmother.  If that were the case I would feel like an ass hole.  However, on the other hand, was this just a ploy?  Did he ask me out and bull shit with me, and flirt via text just to see if I would play along?  Did Jimmy put him up to this?  Is it a point he is trying to make?  Listen, guy, I am not into playing fucking games right now.  It’s either you want to go out on a date with me, or you don’t.  Either way, I don’t care, but don’t fuck with me.  I am a woman scorned, I don’t trust the opposite sex at the moment and I really just don’t want to deal with this petty bullshit thing.  I mean, this is me ranting on about a potential lie.  Not a real one.  But I feel better about getting it out there that I am not someone to be fucked with.

Needless to say, I have not heard from him today.  However, what do I do it he contacts me?  Do I reschedule?  Do I go along with this and forget my psychotic little rant in the previous paragraph?  Whatever, I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I’m just happy I didn’t shave my legs.  It would have been a waste of soap and water.

Date Night

       

        Apparently this conversation with the ever-elusive Jeff has in fact come to a head.  He did wind up doing the whole, “wait for a day and a half then text her” thing.  Which is fine, and honestly, I wasn’t expecting him to call me from the second he entered a “new contact” into his phone.  That would be a little much I think.  Stage 5 clinger type shit.  (I hope he isn’t a clinger…  That could get hectic).

         Moving on…

         So I get this message as I am sitting at the car wash with Reg.  His ears must have been ringing because we were just discussing him and why he hasn’t called me yet.  Sure as shit my phone does its little text message ringing noise and I look down to see a random number.  This has to be it!  (Can I just interject in my own story and say that as I sit here recanting yesterday thinking about the events of my afternoon, he just texted me again.  Its like he knows!!  WEIRD!!)

         It is Jeff. 

         “Hello there ‘name’.  I hope your having a lovely afternoon.  This is Jeff by the way.  Smiley face.”

         “I am enjoying myself thanks!  How about you?”

         “Wonderful!  You going to be hanging out tonight?”

         WOAH!  It was a Thursday!  I am in seclusion on Thursdays!  Meaning that Reg and me get shit can wasted and bull shit about life.  So, sorry Jeff, but no I am not around tonight.  As much as it pained me I wrote him something saying, “I am not too sure.”  So he doesn’t get turned off immediately, and maybe he will talk to me again without thinking I am just being a slick little bitch.  Right?  Right.

         “Well let me know what your up to when your done.  If you want to.  I might be around.  Smiley face.”

         “Sounds good!”

         A few hours go by.  Reg and I have been sitting on my porch pounding beers for the entire afternoon.  I know were not going anywhere.  But I decide it would be smart if I was to text Jeff and let him know that tonight, I am not moving from my porch.  It would be an unwise decision to operate heavy machinery!

         “Welp, were sticking to beers at my house.  Seclusion night!”

         “HAHA.  Who’s we?”

         “Sexy men obviously.  But seriously, just me and my gals.”

         “You had me at sexy men, you had to ruin it for me!”

         Bla bla bla.  We talk for a few more minutes and we come to conclusion that we're going to meet up the following night and hang out for a bit.  This is what he says;

         “Well, lets just meet up.  I’ll give you a big long hug, and once there is a smile on your face we’ll just figure it out from there.  Unless that’s not cool with you?”

         “I love hugs,” is my drunken and semi- giddy response to this.  (Don’t judge me, hugging is awesome.  In a kindergarten, daisy-popping kind of way.)

         Convo ends and we go our separate ways.  Mine is back to my beer and playing ass hole with Reg and Finny.  His is, I have no idea where.  Its left off as were going out tonight but we don’t know anything about where or time, or how, or what the fuck am I going to wear?!

         So on my walk I am talking to Cheese about it.  I tell her, ya know what, lets break from the norm and not sleep with him on the first date.  She asks me why would I not sleep with him on he first date.  Well, because that doesn’t really work out for me.  Not like I am trying to get wified up or anything, but you never know.  I don’t need to make the same mistakes I did with Guy #1.  I think it would be wise to not do anything to reckless tonight.

         “I mean, I would just sleep with him,” says Cheese.

         “I don’t think I'm going to do that.  I don’t need to be labeled as ‘that girl.’  Lets think back here, I slept with his friend.  His best friend.”

Then I slept with a kilted man in a bubble bath, a weird little man with an authority complex, Guy #1 who is just mind fucked all day every day.  I almost get night raped at a fucking wedding on Long Island.  And now I have a date with a nice guy who knows where I'm coming from after a long-term relationship ends.  I don’t think I want to mess up a potential good thing.  Not to mention I don’t want to shave my fucking legs.  Legs, vagina, and armpits.  I mean I am cleanly shaven at this moment, but you know, you go over it again then you get razor burn, then the entire operation is put on hold because you look like you have a venereal disease.  Ugh…  It’s just too much to think about right now.  I am not sleeping with him tonight and that’s final.

I need advice on what to do, what not to do.  If he wants a good night kiss do I let him?  Do we throw a little tongue in there?  And if yes, is it porno tongue or Sunday morning tongue?  How far do I let the flirtation go before I don’t feel like sitting around and I actually do want to go home with him?  Should I just re-shave?  It’s hot as hell outside; do I straighten my hair or leave it curly in a little bun?  Red lipstick?  There are so many decisions to be had.  I am sitting here calmly typing, but I don’t think I can go on with this!

I can see this being a lovely evening, but god damnit; the mental prepping is killing me!

Ghosts and Dates

I was sitting on Facebook the other day, minding my own business when I hear a little noise come from my computer.  It was the bell type noise that sounds when you get a Facebook message from someone.  I see a name pop up and, I'm not going to lie, I was a little confused as to why this person would be IMing me.  (Do people still call it an IM?  A/S/L!?!?  Anyone remember that one!?  Moving on….)

            Let me rehash the past for a few minutes here…

            Around the same time I started seeing my ex, I was seeing a few people.  Ex won out in the end, but whatever, I digress from this one.  But anyways, one of the others, Jimmy, was a guy whose sister I knew fairly well.  One night I go home with Jimmy to his friend, Jeff’s, house.  You know, things happen, and I kind of get weirded out because he looks a lot like my friend, and I felt like I was making out with her and not him.  Then he got sick.  I cant honestly remember if he got sick in the same night that I found it weird to be kissing him, as I did wind up seeing him a few times.  But anyways, he gets sick due to a cheese allergy or something.  (This is not a joke; he ate some penne ala vodka, which is loaded with parmesan cheese, and he was throwing up etc etc…)

Six years go by and now I'm hearing this ringing from my computer only to see Jeff’s name pop up.  I was wondering why he would be messaging me because I hasn’t talked to or even seen him or Jimmy in years. 

            “Hey you!  I didn’t recognize you in your profile picture.  How’s things going?”

            Is this happening?  I wonder…

            “Hey Jeff!  Things are going.  How about you?”

            Long story short, we jump right into it; he and his girlfriend broke up after 4 or 5 years and he moved home.  From what I am guessing and assuming, she was a cheater and he learned it the hard way.  I tell him about the ex and we exchange sympathies.  I guess it was kind of nice to talk to someone that can understand the pain and hurt of a harsh breakup with someone you were supposed to be with for the rest of your life. 

            By the end of the conversation he had asked me if I wanted to go out sometime and get a drink with him. 

            I love drinks, I love gossip, and I accepted the invite.

            The following day I get another little ringing from the computer telling me that someone actually wants to talk to me!  Again, it’s Jeff.

            “Name” (Haha, I'm not telling you people my name, so just call me ‘name’).

            “Jeffrey”

            “Send me your phone number so I can annoy you via cellular device in the near future.”

            Cute, and witty, and wants to drink with me…

            “Ok.  Here is it.”

            “Ohhh!  Now your in for it!”

            “Ohhh!  I am excited!”

            “Haha.  You will enjoy the harassment.”

            “It is entirely possible”

            “Haha.  I wont get sick and hide in the bathroom I promise!”

            I did have a ‘laugh out loud’ moment when he said that.  That’s exactly what Jimmy did all those years ago!  I am kind of laughing about it right now to be honest. 

            So I say, “well, I hope not.  That would be very awkward.”

            “HAHA would it?  A little déjà vu?”

            This conversation goes on for another 4 or 5 transactions and then he says to me, “I will give you a shout soon, Hun.”

            Hun?  Haha.  Shit.

            Needless to say, now I tell my girlfriends about this whole thing.  Some of them actually remember Jeff from when they were playing wingman for Jimmy and me.  They said they thought he was cute, and probably had more of a personality than Jimmy did.  So I guess here I sit, playing the waiting game.

            Now, can someone please remind me of the ‘rules’??

            How does it go?  Wait 4 days to call them?  Or is that only after a first date?  Or is it, flirt shamelessly via Facebook and then ask for a number and then make them wait 2 days to call or text them?  Is he waiting for the weekend?  Is he opposed to weekday drinking?  If that’s the case I don’t know if this is going to work out from the gate!  (Kidding, but seriously). 

            Also, could this get weird?  I mean, I did bang his best friend a few times.  And what makes the banging worse, is that it happened in Jeff’s house every time!  I mean, I don’t know.  Shit could get weird!  Right!? 

            Either way.  I think he doesn’t care about the whole past banging situation due to the fact that he contacted me.  Right?  I don’t think he would have asked me for a drink if he cared about the past transgressions. 

            I will keep you all posted on how this pans out. 

            If it pans out.

Return of the Farter

I hate voicemail.  I think it’s the one thing I can honestly say I hate more than anything in this world.  Sorry, I’m not sorry, don’t leave me a voicemail.  The chances of me actually listening to it are very slim.  Not to mention you stating on the phone, “Hey, it’s me, call me back,” is a waste of my time and a waste of a voicemail space on the phone.  Someone else could have something actually important to say.  I have seen that you called.  I can read your name in the phone; I don’t need a frigging voicemail that says, “Call me back.”

Needless to say, I don’t check the voicemails ever. 

That is until about 2AM this morning, I am kind of bored, I’m watching a movie on the computer, I see I have 2 voicemails and I am curious as to which ass hole is leaving me messages.  My friends should know better by now not to fuck with me and gay ass voicemails.

I get one from my uncle asking me a question; that’s legit.  The second one is from the Farter.  Now, if there is any confusion as to who the farter is, please, go back through the blogs and find him. 

I will sum him up.  Long story short, my mom tells me she has this man for me.  Cool, whatever, I am excited, I love men.  Nope!  He is a fucking midget (not literally), drunken ass, blind dog having, weirdo.  Zero sex appeal, dirty looking.  Just a beast.  Thanks mom!  You’re awesome!  I love being introduced to people that have alllll of those qualities!  I’m sure he has a nice personality.  Oh wait!  He has a drawl.  You’re from New York!  How do you have a fucking drawl!?  Moving on, I am getting nauseous just recanting this entire story.

Welp, this voicemail goes something like this, “Hey, this is ****.  I got your number from your dad.  Just letting you know that I will be at your house to do some work on the fuse box.  I should be there at 6:30?  Maybe 7?  See you tomorrow.”

Now, there are a lot of things wrong with this entire situation.  Let’s discuss shall we?

 A:  Dad!  You’re smarter than this!  Don’t, for the love of Christ, give my number out to people. I don’t care if they are your friends or not.  I don’t think its cool to deal numbers out without consulting the number holder.  So thanks for nothing!  You’re just as cool as mom at this point!  (143).

B:  6:30/7AM!?!?  Get the FUCK out of town.  No one in this town is awake that early.  Especially not me!  I have a night sleeping issue; I go to bed at 4 or 5!  Killing me!

C:  Just UGH!

So here I am sitting on my couch listening to this horrid voicemail with the fucking drawling mans voice coming through the other end like a fucking tornado warning.  He might of well have said, “I’m gonna see you tomorrow, and, ugh, you know, be weird and gross and yeaaa…  Rock it.  Blaa.”

I set my alarm for 6, 6:15, 6:30.  Which means I get to have 4 hours of sleep!  Joys!

It goes off as soon as I close my eyes.  Snooze.  Second alarm. Snooze.  Third alarm.  Snooze and open my eyes.  Ugh.  Horrible, horrible.  So as I am trying to hoist myself out of the bed knowing that this fucking idiot is going to be here in 15 minutes or so I throw on some pants and a shirt that will conceal the fact that I am not wearing a bra.  I don’t need this fucking creep looking at me.

Oh wait, it gets better!  Why wouldn’t it right!?  (FML).  He doesn’t show up here until fucking 8AM.  8AM!!!  I could have slept for another hour and a half!  Now I am pissed off.  First you fart on my mom, you fall all over my house, you drawl like some king of fucking hick, you leave me voicemails, and now your late!  I am done.  Just done. 

Knock knock on the backdoor.

Fuck you.  Loser ass.  Clown.  Late bitch.

“Hello.”

“Hey how are you?” he asks.

“Fine, the basement is unlocked.”

Now he leans in the sliding door frame trying to be Rico fucking Suave and you know, as sliding doors tend to do, it fucking slides on him and he moves about a foot to my left with the door.  Pathetic.  I am so disgusted by this dude that I am just rude.  I am an ice block.  I don’t care if he tattles on me to my dad. 

“Anyways, how have you been?”

“I said I am good.  The basement is open.”

Finally I think he catches the hint that I am A. Tired because you were supposed to be here almost 2 hours ago, and B. I think you’re a bag of filthy, hot garbage.  So please, go to the basement like the other trolls and work on my fucking fuse box.  Bye now.

Well of course 10 seconds later he is back at the sliding door, or as I like to call it, “the scene of the sliding crime.”  He asks me why the back door won’t open, so I grab the keys and tell him that I will just go down and do it.  Have no fear, a chick is here.  And isn’t it weird that I can open a REALLY tricky lock?!  Unfathomable.  Then I think, ‘wait, it this a ploy?’  Fuck, I think it could be. 

Let just say this; I watch a LOT of Law and Order: SVU.  (Namely for Stabler, but I digress).  So now I know how people think and shit.  I am onto your little gay ass games.  I also watch Psych, so I therefore think I am in tune with things, and I see everything.  Not to mention I know when one single thing is out of place!  Don’t mess with me man!  The USA network is my life source!!

I have to walk into the basement to remove the key which is touchy (shhh) and he blocks the door and does the whole, hands over the head on the top of the frame thing and leans down into the basement where I am totally aware of the situation while fidgeting with the key.  Blocking the door is a tactic to get someone to stay where they are right?  He clearly doesn’t know me.  I am more of a ‘mess with the bull you get the horns’ kind of chick. 

“So what the fuck happened the other night?”

“Excuse me?”

         “When we were here drinking, what the fuck happened?”

         God, you are such a fucking creep.

         “Noting happened.”

         “Oh, well, I know that.  I don’t usually get that drunk.  But I was fucking hammered.  I don’t know…”

         Now at this point I am even more grossed out and he is still blocking the door.  So I look right at him and walk under his arm.  No one puts baby in a corner.  Especially the corner of my own basement. 

         “I know you were.  No worries.  See ya later.”

         I thought about being a complete ass hole, but I figured being short with him was more heart wrenching HAHA.  Bitch that I am.

         Well, now, at this very moment, he is sitting out in my yard talking to yet ANOTHER friend that has stopped by to have a fucking chat.  Listen guy, this isn’t YOUR frat house, its MY frat house.  Do what your supposed to be doing.  That would mean, working in my basement fixing my god damn fuse box. 

         I guess life is like a sphinx riddle.  There are zero decent men out there, and the ones you come across are either douchers or farters, or just plain creeps.  I don’t have any idea as to how to go about achieving this dream of finding someone to love (if there is such a thing) and willing myself to have a family and grow old together.  People, like this toolbox, come around and I think I would rather piss razor blades than ever see him or heard that awful drawl again.  

Water Works

         Reg and I decided on Friday night to have a secluded girls night.  This entails me and her drinking our faces off and chatting about everything and nothing at the same time.  It all started at about 2 that afternoon.  Needless to say, it was a long night.

         By the time 1AM rolled around we were almost out of beer (24s like woah) and cigarettes (which seem to disappear quicker the more you drink).

         Guy #1 hadn’t been talking to me much, and I was fine with it.  That is until he started texting and calling all of my friends.  (Who does that?!)  He called Reg and Sando, and even my sister saying things to them like, “hey stranger, long time no talk,” or “what are you up to?” or, “wanna come over for a nooner?”

         Lets just say this, I was PISSSEEDD off.  Does he think that my friends would actually go running to him and jump right into bed?  My sister too?  Get real bro, get real.

         He had been texting Reg that night asking her what she was doing, and asking her if she wanted to go out on his jet ski with him.  She said she was hanging out with me to which he answered; he hadn’t invited me to go yet.  Right, like your going to be inviting me, doucher.

         She tells him we were hanging out at my house drinking and whatnot.  He says, “OK, I will be over in a little bit.”  Oh, wait, I’m sorry, were you invited to my house?  Cause I am pretty sure I didn’t ask you over.  Just saying.

         Whatever, he comes over and were all hanging out and I am so intoxicated at this point that I am getting pissed off.  His friend is sitting on my couch asking me 21 questions about shit, and Guy #1 is in the kitchen talking to Reg about who knows what.  I turn to his friend and ask him, “did he put you up to this?  Is it his intention to put you off on me and flirt with my friends?”  Because that’s what it seemed like and I didn’t appreciate it at all.  What an ass hole. 

         His friend is stunned and apparently he had no idea what I was talking about.  Yea right.  He had to have known about me and him and the past shit that was going on.  Un fucking real.  Whatever.

         Now, he is sitting on my floor in front of my fake fireplace and I am sitting on the couch near him.  His friend is next to me (why? I don’t know) and Reg is sitting across the room on my chair.  Intoxicated me gets up with my full water bottle and I proceed to dump the entire thing on his head. 

         I have always wanted to do that, and I am not going to lie, it felt amazing. 

         He sat there and took it like a champ.  I felt so much better afterwards.  Like some heavy rock had been lifted off my chest and I was able to move on laughing. 

         Another hour goes by and it must have just hit him that I had dumped water on him because now he is pissed off.  Reg is trying to calm him down on the porch and he is screaming something about, “I can’t believe she poured water on me!  I don’t know what she wants from me!  I can talk to her, were friends (right!)  What do you mean why am I texting her friends?  Why does it matter?”

         Lets answer these questions for him. Fucking moron.  You don’t talk to me anymore because you got weirded out that I was there and available to you, and then got upset that I went on a date with someone else.  You apparently wanted a relationship with me and couldn’t handle the fact that it could have been something.  You don’t call someone’s friends and sister in hopes of making me jealous, your not making me jealous, and your making me mad.  I am not a fucking baby when it comes to this shit.  I can handle it, you cant.  So fuck yourself.  And it matters that you text my friends because they are never going to go behind my back and fuck you whether it bothers me or not.  Were passed the age of sharing, unlike you and your group of friends.  Moving on. 

         So I go out on the porch and I ask him if I can talk to him.  He turns to me and says, “fuck you, go back inside!”

         WOAH!  Now it’s on like donkey Kong. 

         I charged him fists flying.

         His friend grabbed me from behind and dragged me back into the living room away from him and calmed me down.  I don’t usually get that crazy, but I was feeling crazy after that stupid shit.  So I did what comes natural to me.  I went for his throat.  He didn’t like that apparently.

         No one tells me to fuck myself in my own house!  So I was pissed off.

         Long story short he leaves and I get the reign of texts from him saying shit like, “I am not in high school, if you want to act like a jerk that’s on you,” “there is no where to sleep in my house,” “no rest for the worried.”

         What the fuck does that mean?  I don’t know.  And I don’t think I care too much.  But I do know that your stupid ass is not coming back here to sleep in my bed.  I would rather sleep with a viper. 

         Needless to say we have had small talk conversations since that fateful night, and I can honestly say I want to go back to that night and really have it out with him and tell him why I think he is a dick head.  Maybe even without an audience so we can get right down to it in private.  I am thinking that I need to find someone else.  And that is my new goal.  Fuck off Guy #1.  You fucked up.