Men at Work

            Wasn’t that the name of some shitty band?

Well again, like I have said I don’t want to shit where I eat.  I don’t plan on shitting anywhere at my new place of work, but I mean, some of these guys I wouldn’t mind a tumble with if you know what I mean.

            Lets talk about some of them shall we?

            I work on a campus type establishment complete with men.  Lots of men.  Older men; younger men; white men; black men (I’ll pass, but I didn’t want to sound like I was a hater).  Anyways, there are all kinds of men frolicking around on this campus. 

            There are some that could be interesting.  For instance there is one guy that is lovely to look at.  His eyes are extremely blue and he has a nice looking physique.  And I know for a fact that he weighs 197 pounds because he came into my job to use a scale and told me he was heavy.  (For a man to weigh that, I don’t think it’s a problem.  But whatever.  Apparently he has a weight complex thing going on.  I personally couldn’t handle a man with a weight problem because that’s a woman’s arena if anyone’s).  But anyways, he is handsome and he kind of reminds me of a Ken Doll.  He is a lovely creature to look upon.  So I can pull my whole black widow thing and fuck and leave.  If I wanted it to spread all over work, I can deny deny deny.

            Conversation on the phone when he calls…

Me- “Hello, its ‘Name’ how can I help you?

KenDoll- “Hey, its KenDoll, bla bla bla… Can I bring him in?”

(Me batting my eye lashes) “Of course you can, KenDoll.”  You should probably bring him in yourself so I can stare at you like a creep.  Thanks.  Can you feel my eye lashes through the phone?  Because they’re moving so fast that my papers are flying. 

            Upon starting this job my friend at work, whom I will dub Jenkins, told me not to get involved with any of the guys on campus because they all have banged the girls on campus.  Kind of like a sess pool of naughtiness.  Kind of like a smaller version of Onion Town, but without the inbreeds.  I don’t need any kids coming out deformed with a hand protruding from its forehead or some shit.  (But I guess beggers cant be choosers because I clearly don’t have children, and getting knocked up was my New Years Resolution).  Whatever.

There are some guys here that are fun to flirt with.  I mean they are the furthest things from my type, but the shit they say is hysterical.  OH!  One of the supervisors is sexy as shit.  He is known on campus as The Campus Brad Pitt.  And that’s not even close to being an exaggeration.  This man is beautiful.  He is tall with black hair and green eyes, a perfectly chiseled jaw line.  He is the type of man that people stop what they’re doing and watch him to walk on by.  Unfortunately he is taken (not married or engaged but taken!)  Don’t mean shit.  (But again, I am a lot of things.  One of them is not a home wrecker.  I would never). 

            Who else?  Who else? 

            There is another one that works here who is cute in a…. just a cute kind of way.  He plays hockey.  He has lighter hair and darker eyes (don’t know exactly the colors I am working with here).  But he is very nice and he actually has a sense of humor.  See a lot of these men here don’t have one of those and I like to laugh.  Shit, I love to laugh.  And honestly, we all know that I am hysterical, ergo I need someone who is going to laugh at me and with me.  I don’t want someone who is a complete stick in the mud that doesn’t like to laugh at funny shit. 

            Which leads me to a random question; should I do stand up?  I have been thinking about doing stand up and kind of reiterating the Naked Nap.  Only I can throw more jokes out there and make it completely absurd and out of hand.  Sometimes, I don’t know why, I think I am funnier after I have posted this shit.  Kind of like a comeback after a fight when you think, “DAMNIT!  I should have called her a dirty whoremonger!  Why did I call her a jerk face?!”  Ya know, something like that.

            I should plan something for some of my work people to go out to better get to know them.  I mean, why not?  I wouldn’t mind making more friends here, but according to my pal I work with, and am friends with outside of work, you can’t be friends with the opposite sex on this campus because then rumors fly and shit gets out of control.  But I mean, in all honesty, that’s nothing new in my life because according to everyone else in my life I am banging the balls off of like 7 people right now.  What’s a few more!?

            

Wonderful Morning

Last night I went out with Sando and one of my friends from work, who I also know outside of work   He happens to be the one that I make out with in bathrooms when were intoxicated.  But that happened a long time ago, and I am not trying to keep that one up.  So were sitting there and were bull shitting and such, and Mase tells me he is going to OPH to hang out for a second and I tell him, “well fancy that!  I am already here!”

            “OK, cool see you in a little bit then.”

            “Sounds good.”

            So there we all sit and were chatting about some things and in he walks.  Like I have said before, we aren’t affectionate in public so we proceed like we don’t know one another.  I am sitting next to my bathroom buddy and he is trying to get me to go to the bathroom with him and I am sitting there thinking, “Prooooobably not the best idea being that Mase is sitting right there.” (And I don’t want to make out in OPH bathroom ever again.  That was a long time ago and it was wrong on all levels, and it wasn’t with the bathroom buddy.  Different bar, different story). Anywho…

            I notice that he keeps looking at me and I feel myself getting red over it.  I am SO not the girl that blushes when someone looks at her, so I don’t know why I am blushing at this moment.  I mean, I don’t think I am one to blush, maybe I am?  I don’t know. 

            “Come on meet me in the bathroom,” I read off of my phone.

            “No,” I respond.

            “Why not?” he asks out loud.

            “Because I said so.”

            Now, all of my friends know I am hooking up with someone, but they (most of them, the boys anyways) don’t know who I am hooking up with.  Ergo, secrets are awesome among the girls.  But of course, Thad is one of the girls and he always has been, and he probably always will be.  I don’t think he is a great keeper of the secrets but he always knows things!  I just learn to get used to the fact.  Bathroom Buddy also knows about the man I am hooking up with, but again, he doesn’t know who.

            So were all sitting around and were drinking a little bit and he is pestering me to go to the bathroom with him.  I said, “no god damnit!”  At this moment, Mase gets up to go outside and I turn to BB and say, “you know how I am hooking up with someone?  Yea, well that’s him.  I don’t think it would go over well if we snuck off to the bathroom for a tryst.”

            “What are you doing?”

            “What do you mean what am I doing?”

            “He could probably kill you!”

            “I know, it’s exciting right?”

            “What do you see in him?”

            “I honestly don’t know, BB.”

            “You can do better!”

            “YOU can do better!  Shut up, he’s coming back inside.”

            Sando had decided she was going to go home, so she leaves and that leaves me BB and Mase sitting there.  Talk about an awkward turtle in the room!  So awkward is this turtle as it slowly moves along the room, judging.  It’s quite something when you look around the room and realize you have both A. slept with half the people and B. made out with the other half.  (For the most part, because that doesn’t include the bartender… or does it?  JUST KIDDING!).  But seriously. 

            Whatever, so we all leave, and as were walking out Mase asks me what I am doing.  I tell him, “Oh, you know, I have no plans.”

            “Wanna come over?”

            “Sure.”

            As if I would say no, right?! Never!  I would never turn down a night in with someone.  If that makes me a bad person, I don’t give a fuck.  And you shouldn’t judge.  (BTW).

            So we go back to the house and were chilling for a few minutes and talking and doing the normal thing that we do upon arrival.  Then the next thing I know, I am being pulled up onto his lap and were off!  So were going, and going, and going.  And, whew, were done.  (That makes it sound bad and boring, but its not bad and boring at all).  So we are lying in bed and were watching T.V for a little bit and Notorious comes on.  I think it’s a good movie, but he doesn’t want to watch it.  Unfortunately for him there is nothing else on because it’s around 3:30AM.  So were watching it, and I like to tease him because I am good at it so I start nuzzling his neck.

            “What are you doing?” he asks.

            “Nothing, what are you doing?”

            “You know I have no control when you do that right?”

            “So you have said.”

            Very quickly I found myself on my back again.  I swear, its insane to me that he can gear up that quickly right after finishing not 15 minutes before.  Am I complaining?  Not in the slightest, actually.  I am honestly astounded at the turn around rate.  But this wasn’t typical round 2 sex, which is the best round I feel.  It wasn’t hot and hard and fast.  It was slow and kind of sensual (if you will).  I mean he was looking into my eyes and shit. 

            What do I do when I am making awkward eye contact with someone?  I close my eyes, look away, and open them looking in another direction.  That’s my go to plan when in that situation.  So I do that!  Yes, I did it!  I didn’t get weirded out about the prolonged eye contact but it makes me think.  I am a fucking thinker!  Why would this happen with a fuck buddy?  Doesn’t shit like that usually happen with someone you’re in an intimate relationship with?  I mean, I don’t get it.  Am I over thinking this!?  I don’t know, I just don’t fucking know.

            Whatever, so it’s over again and we’re just talking about things and somehow marriage comes up.  I am not opposed to marriage, personally, but I don’t think its necessary either.  Think about it!  Why waste all that time and money and energy and shit on marriage when in fact nothing changes but a fucking name (and doing that shit is a pain in the ass as well) and you still love one another?  I don’t know.  If I wanted something like that I would write up my own personal marriage license and make it hysterical and sign it and frame it in front of my girl friends or something.  No need!  Kurt and Goldie, baby!  Never married yet one of the best and drama free relationships in Hollywood!  Why change it?!

            He agrees with my Kurt and Goldie theory.  Then we went upstairs and made a shit ton of finger foods and went downstairs and ate.  Probably not one of my most feminine moves, but fuck it, I was hungry and I like eating early morning! 

            The next morning we sleep late.  I get up first.  I got a new phone for my birthday so I am fiddling with it and learning how to listen to my voicemails.  I see that I have a voicemail from Guy #1 that was on there that I had never heard somehow.  I play it and it states this: “Hey ‘Name’ its me.  I guess you’re sleeping.  I apologize for being fucked up in the head right now.  But I guess that’s how shit goes.  I’ll call you tomorrow babe.”

            I don’t know how this message has been lost in my voicemails for months, but it has.  And it’s weird.  I also found 3 saved ones from the Ex that for some reason I cant bring myself to delete.  Why?  I have no reasons.  I am a pathetic human?  Maybe?  I don’t know.  Loser jerk ass face. 

            I get up to leave and Mase tells me he will call me later.  I pull down the road and am about to turn to make a left towards my house when who is pulling out of the bank directly in front of me?  Guy #1.  WHY THE FUCK NOT?! 

            This isn’t happening right now, is it?  Oh, oh yes it is!  I am being punished for trying to not be obsessed with him!  Fucking punished!  I immediately text Reg and tell her the story and she comes back with this, “OMG, is it more of a sign that I was just singing my song about him?”

            “OMG!  Whats going on today!?  It’s before noon!”

            “I don’t know!”

            “Fail all around!”

            Fuck it!  Nothing I can do about it.

            I texted Sav later in the day asking her opinion about the whole eye contact thing with Mase…

            “Sav, what does it mean when a fuck buddy looks directly into your eyes during sex?  I mean, for an elongated period of time?”

            “He thinks of you than more than a fuck buddy.”

            We don’t even kiss good-bye in the morning!  Or at all after we wake up!  He can’t think that.

            “Oh no!” I say to her.

            “Well that’s what he thinks, so get over it!”

            “My vagina is a man eater.”

            I think it really is though.  I mean, I guess I am that good that people just fall right in love with me.  I should come with a fucking warning label or something because this happens to me.  A few times actually.  What can I say?  I was blessed with a lovely vagina and big boobs and I think I am halfway decent to look at.  I mean, I don’t know.  I think the only conclusion that I can come to is this: sleep with everyone and pick the richest one and opt for the Kurt and Goldie: A Personal Saga.  

Girls Night Out

            I love awkward conversation in the morning when I am walking out to my car after being a dirty stay out.

            Mase, “so, whatcha doing later?”

            Me, “Oh, you know, going out with the girls for dinner, drinking classy things, and looking for a sucka to buy us some drinks.”

            “You are out of your mind.”

            “This is why we get along.”

            (Laughs and shakes his head) “Well have fun tonight.  I’ll talk to you later.”

            “Bye Boo Bear.”

            (Shakes his head again and turns around in anger because he HATES being called Boo.  I do it strictly to piss him off…  I think it works).  Anywho… Later that night with the gals…

 I now celebrate the day of my birth for weeks.  This year the birthday thing was awesome; we went out and danced like whores and drank very classy wines, and ate tapas (which I think were the best tapas I have ever had in my life… I feel so worldly when I do something involving ethnic foods and wines). 

On the way to the restaurant, Rae was driving me and Reg around (which we owe her big time for BTW) and we like to sing our own versions of songs that we hear on the radio or play on the iphones.  Typically they are about people or places or bad things.  Reg has a knack for it really.  So we continue singing our songs and we roll up into the tapas joint.  Oh, awesome, you don’t take reservations?!  And there is an hour wait?!  That’s cool, we can drink elsewhere for now.

            Imagine this; me, Reg, Sav, Cheese, and Rae are all sitting around a table, we order up two bottles of wine and start the night.  Cheese pre-games the pre-game party, so she was feeling groovy.  Rae, Reg, Sav and myself all poured big girl glasses of wine (which was lovely) and proceed to catch up to Cheese.  The waiter comes over and asks us if we wanted anything to eat as he places baskets of bread and dipping oils in front of us.  I think he was thinking that we were actually staying there for dinner.  Ha, loser.

“I think we’re just going to drink for now,” Cheese answers.

“Were going to drink your wine and eat your free bread then were out of here,” I whisper to Sav.

“We are so fucking classy,” Sav whispers back.  “Oh, by the way, did I tell you I got into a fight the other night at the Tiki?”

Silence falls over the table and Reg interjects, “I’m sorry, wait Cheese, I think I just heard Sav say that she got into a fight at the Tiki.”

Typically, it’s a normal night out at the Tiki if one gets into a fight in the alley.

“Yea,” Sav starts, “just another typical night.  Danced like a whore, my husband didn’t care because it was date night and he was going to get laid anyways, and so I'm out there dancing and one of my husbands friends told the guys I was dancing with to get away from me.  Long story short, the bar cleared out into the alley and the boys I was dancing with got their asses kicked.  Then we were going to walk home and my husband wanted to have sex on the way… outside!”

“Sounds like an awesome date night!” I say.  “Did you have sex outside?”

“Fuck no!  There were people!”

“OK?”

“Not to mention it was about 7 degrees.”

“True.  I don’t have sex outdoors in the winter.  I mean its bad enough I don’t like shaving my legs because it’s cold, but it would grow immediately upon removing the pants.  Ya know?”

“Exactly.”

“Guys,” Rae says, “we have to go!  The hostess told us to be back at 7:15.  It’s now 7:13.”

“Yea,” Cheese interjects, “if they give away our fucking table heads will roll.  I am in no mood for their shit!”

I love my friends.  I love how the conversation goes from stealing bread and oil from the restaurant were sitting in, to a bar fight, to outdoor sex and the lack of shaving, to being late for a non-reservation, then heads rolling.  I mean I fucking love it!

We go back to the tapas place and are immediately seated and judged for being loud with purple teeth and mouths.  Do we care?  Nope!  We order about 7 different tapas dishes and drinks and start taking pictures of each other because it’s funny.  (I am also going to throw in there that I effing love girl’s nights out!  It’s so rare these days!). 

            “Do I have beef in my teeth?” I asked.

            “BAHAHA!  I don’t think so!” Sav answers.

            Found out later in the bathroom with Sav that there was in fact beef in my teeth, but I digress.  After dinner we decided to go to another bar, complete with band and dance floor.  Yet another one of the reasons I love my girls.  We are loud, old bitches that don’t give a fuck and like to dance like whores every chance we get.  And we like beer.  Were kind of like men in women’s bodies.  If men danced and likes to look pretty every once in a while.

We hung out and danced and basically made fools of ourselves for majority of the night.  But we didn’t care!  We were having a great time.  I feel as though there were so many things that were said and done that I am going to forget all the pertinent details and leave something out that was utterly hysterical!  But I don’t know… moving on.

            We are primed and ready to go and were dancing and drinking, and its really fucking loud in the bar with the band blasting out the speakers so after 3 bottles of wine and about 5 beers each, we decide to relocate to OPH for something a little more quiet. 

            Who is there but Mase?  Why not.  Were hammered and it’s not a big deal.  He comes over to us and he’s standing with us, and I don’t know whether or not I should introduce him to Sav because I don’t know if it would be weird because were kind of under wraps and we aren’t publicly affectionate.  I lean in and whisper to him about my nephew (whom I have mentioned to him a few times) and tell him who Sav is.

            “Do you want me to introduce you?”

            “Well, I mean, I am waiting,” he answers.

            Introductions bla bla bla…

            Then it was time to go home because it was a rough night.  Sav and I planned to have a sleep over.  Yes, we were making big plans for the night because we haven’t had a sleep over in years.  Just her and I anyways. 

            We walked in my house, giggling like little children, walking on our tippy toes and covering our mouths with our hands.  I grab two beers from the cooler, which are now beer slushies because they kind of froze.  We make big bowls of stew, eat, smoke and sit in my bed gossiping and talking about things. 

            “I think Mase is hot!”

            “Yea, I think so too,” I answer her.

            “No, I mean like, he’s hot.  And I think he digs you.”

            “He digs me enough to have sex with me… so yea, I guess he digs me a little.”

            “I think he could be the one.”

            I just laugh at this.

            “I don’t think so, Sav.”

            “Make it happen.”

            “I will do my best, Sav.”

            “So, you wanna cuddle?”

            “You know it!  You wanna be the big spoon or the little spoon?”

            “I’ll be the soup spoon and you can be the teaspoon.”

            This is how a typical night goes for us.  I love it.  We have decided to do it once a month.  Which I am completely down for!  I love girl’s nights!  And I love my girls! 

            I just reread this and upon doing so I have come to the conclusion that the word ‘spoon’ is hysterical.  You are now thinking about the word ‘spoon’.  You’re welcome for the fact that now you are thinking about spoons and agreeing with me in that it is in fact a weird word. 

            

Birthday Sex

            You now have that terrible song stuck in your head.  And you are welcome.

            Sando and I went out the other night, it was a Sunday, so it was kind of dead at OPH, which we like, so no big deal really.  Mase was in there with some of his friends and he was hammer faced.  I don’t think he recognized us when we walked in, that’s how intoxicated he was or seemed.  Either way it was quite an interesting night.

            Sunday happened to be my birthday eve, so we were kind of celebrating.  Anyways, his friends come up to us, as we know them and can hold a conversation with them.  I am almost positive that one of them wanted my number, but I kind of shrugged that one off.  I don’t know whats proper etiquette when it comes to banging one dude and getting one of his friends’ numbers?  I mean, I am not dating Mase, but I don’t think its cool to bang friends simultaneously.  So I don’t get the number. 

            Now, Mase is so hammered that he kind of stumbles over to us and realizes that it is in fact US!  Next thing we know all his other friends come over and start chatting with us, so it was me and Sando in a circle with 4 men.  Two of which were very large.  All of which were very intoxicated. 

            Mase and I are talking about random shit when his large intoxicated friend stumbles over to us and introduces himself to me and Sando.  Then he looks at Mase and he looks at me, then he looks back at Mase and says, “you two are fucking.”

            It wasn’t even a question!  It was a direct statement!  Kind of like, “I’m drinking tea,” or “it’s a lovely day.”  “You two are fucking.”  Spectacular. 

            “No were not,” Mase said straight faced.

            “Yea you are, I can see it in your eyes.  You two are looking at one another, you know, ‘like that’.”

            “No dude.  Were just friends,” Mase said.

            “Dude, don’t tell me!  I know your fucking!”

            “Why would we ruin a friendship by fucking?”

            Seriously?  I wasn’t aware that we were these wonderful friends beforehand.  But apparently, our fucking doesn’t change a damn thing does it?  HAHA.  I just don’t know.

            “Whatever dudes,” said the large man and walked away.

            “Well that was interesting,” I say when the large man leaves.  I think I can honestly say that I was shocked for a second when he said that.  I am not one to be quiet, but I was thrown off guard by that one.  How does one respond really?  Should I have said, “you’re quite right sir, carry on, please.  Continue to humiliate me inadvertently because I like it.”           

            By that time it was midnight and officially my day of birth.  I am officially an old woman with infertile eggs and bags under my eyes.  I’m also growing jowls like a fucking dog because I am old and I like cranking butts at night.  (And every other part of the day… erroneous). 

            Sando and I get two shots from the bartender.  We got chocolate covered pretzel shots, which are amazing if you are into chocolate and pretzels.  Which I am.  Happy birthday to me!  Sling those back and Mase says, “oh shit!  It’s your birthday!”

            Silly drunk man.

            “Yea it is Boo.”

            “You know I hate when people call one another Boo.”

            “I know angel, that’s why I do it to you.”

            It’s so easy.

            So we hang out for a little while longer and then we get back to his house.  I honestly can say that every time I go over there I don’t plan on staying but I do because I like walking out of a random house in the morning when the birds are chirping and the people in the village below are going about their business.  I probably know a hand full of people working right there, and they know my car, ergo, they know I am a dirty stay out.  It’s especially awesome when your hair looks like a wild fucking animal had their way with you and left you for dead.  Not to mention the smoky eye look that has turned into the dead hooker look.  But that’s neither here nor there really.  I mean, there is nothing I can do about it at this point is there?

            Anyways, we get back to his house and it usually goes like this: hit the bathroom, go to the bedroom, chat for a few minutes about the night, laugh because I am hysterical, and then jump on one another.  Basically.  I don’t know who starts is half the time but I enjoy it.  Then we laugh again at something stupid like the remote being uncomfortably close to my ass or something.  Then we bang it out… more than once… most of the time. 

            So were lying in bed and he’s flipping through the channels and the Golden Girls were on.  Let me just explain to you all my love for the Golden Girls.  I can’t fucking explain it!  Let’s put it this way; I want to be one when I get old.  I want to sit around a 3 foot round table in a 1980’s designed kitchen with a pot of coffee and a chocolate cherry cheesecake in front of me and 3 of my friends and talk about sex and our daughters being artificially inseminated.  I mean, who WOULDN’T want that as a later life?  Anyways, I say, “Oh my God, the Girls!”

            “You can’t be serious…”

            “I have never been more serious about anything in my life.  Turn on the Girls or I will fight you.”

            “Seriously?”

            “This is not my kidding face.  And anyways, it’s my birthday.  Turn on the Girls!”

            He turns on the Girls and I am content. Then he pushes my stray hairs out of my face and kisses my cheek and whispers, “happy birthday.” 

            Thrown.  I was thrown. 

            “Thanks.  Now be quiet, you’re interrupting the Girls.”

            I don’t know how to react to being kissed on the cheek and told happy birthday in a cute way!  How am I supposed to react to it?  I don’t know!  So I do what every normal girl would do and I ignore it and tell him to be quiet.  HAHA.  Cause that’s the nice and appreciative thing to do right?

He laughed and threw his arm around me and we watched the Golden Girls until passing out.  Not to mention, he was laughing at their witty banter and snarky rhetoric.  He can’t lie to me!  Needless to say, it was a very interesting birthday.

Aunt Flo Can Fuck Off

"The Naked Nap is like Fight Club... You may know the author, but you don't speak about it."-ME!

Have you ever woken up in the morning with such severe blood loss you are dizzy upon standing up?  I mean dizzy, but not hangover/need water STAT dizzy; but due to the lack of blood circulating through and out your body dizzy?  Basically, that is what happened to me the morning after staying at Mase’s house. 

            I woke up at 6AM with severe anxiety about something, so I went to go to the bathroom.  Being that I have only stayed there a hand full of times I have yet to meet his family.  Which is fine by me!  I honestly don’t want to be known as that dirty, skanky, stay out girl.  So whatever.  I walk to the bathroom and the light is on, I can see it shining under the closed door.  Being that I am nimble and shit, I backtrack down the stairs and run/stagger back to the bedroom.

            “Someone is in the bathroom!”

            “Impossible.  No one is here.”

            “Well they’re here now!”

            Fuck it, I went back to bed.  If I die of TSS it will only be my own fault.  I got up again at around 9:30.  Frantic now, I went back upstairs to go to the bathroom and it’s clear, so I shut the door and sit down.  My entire pant (new pants, mind you) is covered in blood.  I mean saturated!  I don’t have any tampons, because WHY would a person have tampons while riding the crimson wave!?  It would only make sense.  So I kind of pad my now ruined underwear with toilet paper and go back downstairs.  I think I was too intoxicated to drive still, so I laid back down for a second. 

            We chatted about bull shit from the night before.  It was really kind of like a recanting because bits and pieces come back to me as memories are triggered.  It was definitely an interesting night according to the things that I remembered and hearing what he had to say.  Oh, BTW, I didn’t ruin his bed sheets or anything, just as an FYI because trust me, I was petrified to even look!

            But anyways, I get home, I take a shower, I throw my bloody pants in the wash and I go to the store.  My list of things to get is as followed: TAMPONS, meat, veggies, and a healthy snack.  What do I come home with?  ZERO TAMPONS, meat, veggies, chips, hummus, yogurts (which I don’t even fucking like) cheese and crackers, sushi, and a big fat box of gushers.  Does this sound like a woman on her period?  Minus the whole forgetting tampons thing?  Because, you know, normal people do that! 

            I go home, I make meatloaf cupcakes and mashed potatoes and corn.  I stuff my face, take a nap and get up for round 2.  Round 2 consists of this; go to work, eat a lot, deal with Flo, go home and go to bed because the night before knocked me out for 48 hours.  Loser?  Yes, yes I am.

            So, here I am at work now, working very hard, and I still have Flo pestering me (she is cramping my style—Pun intended—but the only good thing is that I don’t have to shave for a few days and I like that).  However, it’s not heavy enough to really require a tampon (thank god because I don’t happen to have any and I get them from work if they’re needed).  But I do use a light flow pad just as a precaution.  But I had to do some surgery on it because it was a granny panty pad and I wear things.  I folded the g-string part down so it fit the thong and  I went on my merry way.  Now, I know that this is going to sound gross, but you read all the other rancid shit I write on here, so get over it; while walking to one of the buildings on campus I notice that this pad has shifted.  I try to ignore it, but I can’t ignore it!  Again, It’s not a thong pad!!

            I have never been more aware of my vagina in my ENTIRE LIFE!  I felt like every step I took was one step closer to a fucking Brazilian wax.  No joke.  This goddamn thing was ripping at my vagina for a good 10 minutes as I went to deal with one of the children.  Wanna know the worst part?  There was nothing I could do to help myself!  I couldn’t very well reach down into my pants and rip it off without people seeing.  And I couldn’t walk like a penguin to extinguish the pain of the downside of a pad ripping my lips.  I had to grin and bear it! 

            Upon returning to the nursing station, I went to the bathroom, said to myself, “self get your shit together!” and ripped.  Kind of like a Band-Aid.  Only more painful being that it was on my FUCKING VAGINA! 

            Lesson to be had here:  I don’t have a fucking lesson for this one.  It sucks being a girl and unfortunately we already know this.  Sorry for the lack of hilarity, but this is all I got!

Meeting the Cast

I feel as thought the people that read this blog that don’t know me need some kind of semblance as to who my friends are and their shit.  I mean, I talk about them, and their witty banter can be seen in the conversations I have with them in the blog, but I think it’s time to do a little more with my “characters”.  (We want to be millionaires right girls?  Do we want the compound or not?  This could be our shot!  The new Sex and the City, without the city and YOUR sex being told.  Which one would be Samantha anyways?).

            Moving on!  Maybe I will pick actresses that look like the girls so you can better have an idea of what they look like.  I have sent out a group message asking them to describe themselves in under 10 words so I don’t completely fuck this up and/or hurt their feelings by saying something that could potentially be rude/mean?  I don’t think I could say something rude/mean (on here Muahahaha) about my friends, but you know, people think what they think. 

            From what you may have picked up on Cheese and Thad have just been married.  I will give myself a big ole’ pat on the back for that one!  Yes, I am the matchmaker in that relationship, maybe this whole thing with Mickey is them thanking me for their happiness.  However, I shouldn’t be thanking them for anything because, after all, nothing has come from that has it!?  Nope, so thanks Cheese and Thad.  Thanks for nothing.  Nothing at all.  When I asked her to describe herself she said she didn’t know how to describe herself.  She is a pain in the ass man!  Aside from “awesome and witty” (which are both true) Thad added in that she looks like Uma Thurman.  I can also see that!  Being that I know nothing about their sex life, I am not going to comment on it.  (And that is not an invitation to tell me anything, thanks).

            Sando has been seeing someone for a few months but their “problems’ aren’t monogamy, no, their problems are whether or not he can commit to a relationship.  Please, someone tell me why after almost one year of banging one person, you still wouldn’t want a relationship.  I mean shit, you’re already in one and your blind if you think your not!  Am I right or what?  So now, I don’t know what they’re doing.  She had the talk with him about it and just like Guy #1, he is acting like a big fat man baby and running her around in circles.  Only, she is getting laid regularly. So, I don’t know how she can complain THAT much HAHA.  Awell. 

            “Funny, witty, outgoing, bitchy, caring, with fab tits (so I am told), hot (gotta be nice to myself sometimes) great ass?  Total BAMF!  HAHA.” Is the answer that I get from her.  So clearly, she is a diluted crazy fucker with nice tits and a great ass, brown hair and brown eyes.  I can concur with her about being bitchy and outgoing as well HAHA. 

            Reg has been dating her man piece for a few years.  I still need an awesome nick name for him because he is hysterical and I enjoy his company.  I think I am going to call him Nitsi.  They live together in a lovely apartment and have 2 cats.  (I hate cats, but hers are all right).  Honestly, when it comes to her and him, its kinda perfect.  It’s one of those minuscule jealousy things just being around them.  Either that or vomiting in my mouth and swallowing it. 

            I am starting to think that my friends don’t appreciate the hard work that I am putting into this blog (while at work with nothing to do).  I don’t think they get that I am trying to make them look semi-normal, and I don’t want to say anything hurtful, which now, I think I should do!  Frigging Reg tells me this about herself:

            “A free styling ninja.”

            How is that supposed to work for me!?  I could add on to her self-description in saying that she has short brown hair and brown eyes.  Would that be wrong?!  Jesus Christ!

            Finny is another one who is in a relationship (is anyone else seeing a trend with my friends here?!  I am kind of the only single one, which means I am the 3^rd, 5^th, or 7^th wheel most of the time).  She lives in N.H, far away from me, and I don’t like it.  We have been best friends for around 20 years (which is a petrifying thought) and basically there are few things in this world that she DOESN’T know about me. 

            “Sarcastic, with a smart blend of sexy and classy (a little bit smart-assy, I might add), and a little bit of adorable mixed in”

            I see nothing wrong with her self-description.  In fact I think it is one of the funnier ones because its exactly spot on!  She also has green eyes and curly brown hair.  If you need a celebrity reference; Melissa McCarthy.

            Savy is another one of my best friends.  From birth we have known each other.  And I know its weird when people say shit like that, but it’s absolutely true.  Our moms were chain smoking and bumping bellies together in ’85.  Sav got married a few years ago, she is a mommy now to my favorite (and only) nephew.  Unfortunately, we don’t see one another as much as we would like, but, like every perfect friendship, we can pick up our pieces where we left them from the last time.  While typing this blog, I asked her to describe herself, and that ass hat says this, “OMG fat ass crazy bitch.”

            “Sav, I am not writing that about you.  Something else please.”

            “Medicated.”

            “Seriously?

            “A mom.  That describes me.  And I have sweet Chuck Taylors.”

            THIS IS WHY WE’RE FRIENDS!!  HAHAHA!  Well, that and the fact that we each have an item of clothing in which we make bad decisions in.  Mine are my moccasins, and hers is her jean jacket (which is the catch basin for puke on our drunken nights). 

            Lastly, my sister Rae is to be described.  We don’t always see eye to eye, but I love her very much, and I know she doesn’t read this because she would be ashamed of me and my disgusting trysts.  (But being that she is my sister, she doesn’t judge, thank god).  (At least I don’t think she does.  So either way, whatever).  Rae is a part of our group of friends, which I honestly didn’t think would ever happen, but it did and I like it.  When I asked her to describe herself she didn’t know what to say, so her boyfriend, Danger, answered my question.

            Rae, “Can Danger answer?  He might be funnier… And more realistic.”

            “Of course!”

            “OK!”

            Waiting, waiting, waiting….

            “He doesn’t know…  I am not good at biographies!  Danger says the girl on the T Mobile commercial and Robin Shabotski from ‘How I Met Your Mother’.  I don’t agree with either (and neither do I, Rae, neither do I).  His work friends say Ann Hathaway.  (Nope, Rae, I don’t see that one either).  Now he is saying Beauty and the Beast.”

            “HAHA.  Are you the beauty or the beast?”

            “I’m both!  My personality is beastly.”

            “Oh my god, OK then.”

            “What exactly are you saying about me in this thing!?”

            “I am revealing you as the Naked Napper.”

            “But, I am confused.  YOU’RE the Naked Napper.”

            “Damnit, I wish texts had italics to symbolize sarcasm.”

            “Oh, you were kidding.”

            Gotta love her stupid ass!  HAHA

            I think there is enough in this blog to work with as far as kind of understanding my friends and their sense of humor, and kind of what they look like.  I know its not as good as I wanted it to be, but this is in their words not mine.

Just Your Typical Thursday

            I had Thursday off this past week.  Let me just preface it in saying this; Wednesday night was a rough enough night at one of our other friends house, I’m talking like a 5AMer.  Needless to say, I woke up in Sando’s bed and didn’t know where I was. 

            You know that terrible sinking feeling when you wake up in a bed that is not your own and you immediately look at the ceiling and thing, “well, shit, that’s not my ceiling.”  Then you think, “Shit, do I have pants on?  Oh, ok good.  I am wearing pants.  Where the hell am I?”  Well that was me that Thursday morning.  So moving on…

            Thursday comes along and Leigh texts me telling me he was off that day and to see if I wanted to day drink with him.  Of course, I love day drinking!  It usually means that I am knocked out by 9pm, ergo, full night sleep!  Which is rare.  So we meet up at around 5:30 at one of the local bars and we proceed to drink Blue Point, which is fucking delectable if you are ever so inclined!  Anywho, were bullshitting there and whatnot and some of his friends walk in.  One of them looks alarmingly like Guy #1, only bald (shaved bald, not bald bald) with the cleft chin (that I find endearing) he has nice arms (who doesn’t like nice arms!?) and he is funny enough I guess.  Not to mention I am obsessed with teeth, and he has nice teeth.  Why?  I don know.  I am a weird teeth kind of girl for some reason that I am not aware of.  (Judgment is a sin!  I know you’re shaking your head about my tooth obsession). 

            Nothing ever came of the friend because Leigh wound up telling me that he was a very large pussy and that he didn’t like his job because he was scared of certain shit.  Just weird.  Which leads me to this; why even think about joining in on that profession!?  I don’t get it!  Whatever.  There goes that one…

            So we decide to go see T-Time, one of our other friends who tends bar in the area and again, we proceed to drink some beers.  Now, I told you about my bathroom make out friend, and he was there, so in my upcoming drunken stupor I ask him, “wanna make out later?”  To which he answers, “yup.”  Long story short, I didn’t wind up making out with him because there was no time or something.  I honestly don’t know what happened there. 

            We decided to move on to another bar where one of Leigh’s girl friends was bartending.  This happens to be a local cop bar, so we know a bunch of the patrons that are in there.  (Joys of chilling with local piggies. P-I-G-G-I-E-S.) (Reg, I hope your caught that SOA reference).  So we drink there for a little bit and one of Leigh’s ex girlfriends walks in.  She is a cute skinny girl, but looking into her eyes, you can tell that she is a few cards short of a full deck.  She isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. She has crazy eye killer status written all over her face.  So you know, immediately Leigh wants to bang her.  And being that I am an excellent wing woman, I told him I could make this happen!

            “Hey!  You should come to The Watering Hole with us!”

            “What’s at the Watering Hole?”

            “Other than the pleasure of our company… drinks?”  What was I to say to this!?  Why is she being so damned difficult!?  I don't know, and frankly I don’t care because I'm not the one trying to get into her pants, I am trying to help a friend get in her pants!  Why the 21 questions.  What is this?  A bad 50 Cent song!?  Here is a little rap of my own; “bitch, shut the fuck up, get in the car.”

            So she listened to me, and she got in the car and we went to the Watering Hole.  Upon arrival she immediately opened her dumb, vodka soaked mouth about “republicans vs. liberals” Isn’t there a rule about that in bars and shit?  There are three things that are never discussed in a bar right?  God, politics, and something else.  Maybe it’s exes?  Who the fuck knows, but right now it’s erroneous because there is no point in that particular piece right now.  All she should know is this; republican bar, republican tender, republican crowd.  Know your surrounds dummy.  Which leads me to the second part of my rap; “bitch, shut the fuck up, get out of my bar.”

Needless to say, her being a fucking idiot ended quickly because I was shaking my head, Leigh was laughing on the inside knowing she was largely outnumbered by a bunch of republicans, and the tender was drunk and yelling, cause that’s what she does, not to mention Reg’s dad sitting in the corner spewing off about Jimmy Carter and who is the bigger “fucking asshole president.”  All of which I find entertaining sometimes.  But this particular night I was not entertained because I was still on a mission to get Leigh laid and the atmosphere was suddenly becoming dismal… at best.  Oh!  Then Mase texted me and asked what I was doing.  So he came down for a minute.

            Did I mention the bartender was my mother?  Yeaaa…  I know I mentioned she thinks I am sleeping with Bartender right?  Which, again, is a heinous lie because I am not a home wrecker and he is BFFs with Guy #1, and I happen to enjoy Guy #1 (from a distance now… but all in the same).  Well now that Mase walks in and she sees us chatting she jumps to this ridiculous conclusion that I am sleeping with him as well!!  (Hahaha).  (She is good).  I don’t know how she does it!  How does she know more about me than most of my friends know about me?!  We didn’t smooch, touch, get too close or anything of the sort.  I don’t know how she pinned me! 

            “Look at them looking at one another!”

            I’m SOOOO sorry.  But when having a conversation with someone, isn’t it proper etiquette to look at someone when they are speaking to you?  I mean I don’t know!  I don’t know!  But she is the one that raised me, so she knows what a conversation is and how it works right?  If she sees me having one, shouldn’t she know that THAT’S what I am doing?  Clearly not boffing in front of you, woman.  Well after that, mom kicked us out of the bar and told us to go to OPH because she wanted to go home.

            Off to another bar we went. 

            The bartender there that night has already slept with Mase, and apparently she is kind of into him still.  I don’t know.  So upon him and I walking in together, I don’t get a second glance when I sit down but I also don’t get a drink.  I ask the male bartender for a drink and he is my friend so I get a kiss and a Mic Ultra.  (Take that bitty, I don’t need you to fetch me my drinks). 

            I happen to notice that now Leigh is holding this insane broad around the waist, and I think to myself, “Yesss!!!  I am awesome for being awesome. And I am an awesome wing woman!  Woot woot!”  No.  Nope.  Not even a little bit.  This wacky bitch looks at me and asks me how many times I have slept with Leigh.  To which my response was this, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  What the fuck!?!?  I never slept with him!  Might have banged a few of his friends, but not him”

            “I don’t believe you.”

            “I don’t give a fuck what you believe.”

            “How can I be sure?”

            “If I slept with him, why would I be trying to hook you two up all night?  I don’t play well with others.  And I don’t like sharing.  So no, we didn’t sleep together.  Ever.”

            I don’t know what she thought of that, but I guess either way, it didn’t work out with Leigh that night.  I think it is because he has no end game though.  I mean, I set it up for him in a big way.  Ball was placed on tee.  All he had to do was swing away.  He swung, twirled, and landed on his ass.  Not my fault at all!  I am sure he wont bother dealing with her again.  And I hope he doesn’t because she is fucking wacked!!  WACKED.

            I happened to leave with Mase, and the girl bartender didn’t like that one very much.  I could feel her eyes piercing my skull.  I should have just smiled in her general direction.  Fuck it.  Next time I see her….  There will be smiles.