The Farter

            Yes, you read that title correctly.

            I think I should give you all a little background on some things that have been going on in my life lately.  Guy #1 is still being a Doucher, the hot guy from ball- still has no code name- has been stale so far.  But I will see him on Sunday, so more to come later.  My mother thinks its going to be a wonderful idea to set me up with some guy that she knows and has known for some time. My crazy ass mother thinks its her job to set people up.  Namely, she tries to set me up all the time.  And the funny thing is, is they all fucking suck.  I think she does it on purpose just to make me suffer.  As if I am not suffering enough right now.

            I go to see her at work and she tells me about him.  She told me his name, which happens to be the same first name as Guy #1.  Right there, just no.  But, I guess sexual encounters wouldn’t be confusing in the name calling department right?  (I just chuckled to myself). I mean, on paper, he’s not too bad.  He owns his own business and house, and he has a dog.  Whatever, I don’t need a dog in my life, but OK.  That’s not exactly a necessity in my life, to own an animal. 

            He’s cute, in his Facebook picture.  He has dark hair and blue eyes.  I guess you could say he intrigued me.  Lets think about it; I am in a terrible rut in the man department and I guess he is good looking enough, and he does own his own business and owns a house.  So I tell her yea, sure, I can meet him.  No worries. 

            Little did I know that one night while I am sitting with my friends in my living room she was going to call me up and let me know that she was coming over and she was bringing a surprise with her.

            That’s never good.  Surprises from idiots usually are idiotic.  Right away I know it’s the Same Name Guy. 

             So you know, as is typical, I get a little nervous because it’s a new guy; he’s cute in his Facebook picture and so on.  Whatever.

            Now, ready for this?

            He shows up at my house TANKED!  I mean fucking hammered with my mother.  My mother, and his dog.  Please, I don’t need your animal running amuck in my house.  Also, about the dog thing, as a side note, why do people bring their dogs with them everywhere?  Seriously guy, if you were out getting tanked with my mother, why do you have to bring your fucking dog?  I don’t understand it.  I also don’t get why you would road trip to the bank with the dog, but that is neither here nor there I guess.  Personal preferences that I will never get, so I am going to have to drop it now. 

            He was not as good looking in person as he was in his Facebook picture by the way.  He was short, had ripped jeans on with work boots (which he didn’t remove upon entering the house…  pet peeve) and oil stained shirts on.  Come on bro, this is the kind of first impression your going to be giving me here?  Dude, you have already struck out, and that was only strike one!  Fail!

            So as were all sitting around, he asks me if I have a tennis ball.  Of course I have tennis balls, so I grab one for him.  And wouldn’t you know that he starts throwing the ball to the dog.  Who by the way is BLIND!  You have a blind dog?!  Seriously.  Now, this is getting absurd.  I don’t know why you would want a blind dog!  What do you do with it?!  Somehow the dog would find the tennis ball and drop it back, but seriously.  Why?  I don’t know.

            Actually, I was hoping that she would leave that minute and take him with her.  Guy #1 was coming over that night and I couldn’t have a potential blind date guy sitting on my couch with my mother.  Right?  Weird.  With his blind ass dog.  Come on!

            Now, apparently, as were all sitting around the living room, he is with my mom and Reg on the couch and he farted.  I mean, not a prison fart, or a squeaker, it was a whomping fart.  Ew.  Sir, you have not only farted in my presence upon meeting me, but you also ripped ass on my couch, and on my mother.  I don’t know if he was raised in a barn, but yes, I am going to have to compare his manners to that of a barnyard animal.  Perhaps a methane filled heifer.  I don’t know. 

            The farting didn’t stop there though!  I mean, why would it right?  Why not just make one big farting night of it all and keep on keeping on? 

            We all step outside onto the porch to smoke and he comes out with us.  But he is staggering and bobbing and weaving around on the porch.  There is one table out there with zero chairs around it and its in the corner, I don’t know what he was trying to avoid.  He probably sees things in his head when intoxicated.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

            As were out there, of course it has to be Lissa that is standing next to him, he farts again.  Another long, pant ripping fart.  Now, I don’t hear this as I am talking to another friend, but apparently it was huge and disgusting.  Lissa is a little bit more prim than the rest of us where people like The Farter are involved.  He disgusted her immediately.  His clothes, and his slurred speech, and his farting problem.  I don’t know.  HAHAHA.  I am literally cracking up while writing this because it’s just too much.  It’s just perfect for the Sex Blog right?  HAHA.

            Long story short, he leaves with my mother and his blind fucking dog and I don’t speak with him again.  He did wind up sending me Facebook messages and requesting my friendship.  All of which I declined.  I know, maybe that’s mean, but come on now.  I am so sorry, but I really want nothing to do with you at this juncture.  I am a little grossed out.  And I am also conflicted by my mother. 

            What kind of woman would want her daughter to be with someone like The Farter!?  I mean, seriously?!  Come on now Ma! 

            2 things need to happen to me.  1. Mom needs to stop setting me up with people, and 2. Something needs to happen this coming weekend with the guy I play ball with.  If nothing else, maybe he will speak to me.  Gotta start small right!?