Birthday Celebrations

As is typical I went away for a long weekend to visit my sister and my friends went out, got tanked, and made bad decisions.  Now, I don’t honestly know if I would have been the pillar of sobriety or good decisions, but I will say I am pissed about missing the shenanigans.  The one weekend shit gets out of control and I am not here to live in the glory!  Do you know how many new blogs would have (and are going to) come from that weekend?!  Too many!  And I am not even involved. 

So take you back a few days to my friend Zola and the married man.  I will give you a little back info on her; she is clearly single, but had been sleeping with this guy for over a year.  Normally when sleeping with someone for that long you wind up in a relationship, but not this guy.  He is kind of a douche.  He would never come out with her, he used her (in my opinion), and he led her on for a long time thinking that something was going to come of the situation.  Jerk off.

Zola is also the one that was making out with the Bouncer hard-core.  (Refer to The Married Man blog). 

So, it was Zola’s birthday this particular weekend and she, Sando, Lissa (another friend of ours), and some other people went out to some new place in CT.  An old friend of our, Nick, was there and he immediately started buying Zola birthday cake shots.  A lot of them.  She was starting to feel pretty good.  And the bouncer, who was working that night, wasn’t around much due to the place being packed.  But according to our friends, he was keeping a close eye on her throughout the night. 

            Then the martinis started. (We all know how we do with martinis.  Never a good situation!).

            The entire night was a bit of a blur after that.  There are a few bars in the area, all within walking distance of the one they were sitting at currently.  Zola exchanged umbers with Nick, and they decided to go to the bar across the street.  And who shows up, but the Fuck Buddy.  They stayed at the bar for a little while together until Zola decided she wanted to go back to the other bar they just left.  She wanted to see the Bouncer and being that the night was coming to an end, she figured it would be perfect timing to see the bouncer. 

Meanwhile, Sando is making head way as well in the man department this night.  She meets a guy named James (AKA Rando), they exchange numbers, and I am almost positive she got more numbers than that, but whatever.  So, she is talking to him and drinking her martinis.  Next thing Lissa comes over and says she got James’ number.  Either he didn’t know they knew each other so well, or he didn’t care.  I am going to go with the whole non-caring thing. 

As Zola is dancing with Nick, he confesses his undying love of her.  He says that he had felt that way for ten years and that he wants to hang out with her some other time.  Typical man things to take advantage of a drunk girl.  She later told me that it didn’t work on her.  But, I mean, I think its kind of cute that some guy can love someone for that long and tell her on her birthday night.  I don’t know, I guess he could have been lying strictly to get into her pants.  Which is actually probably what was going on after all.  Once again strengthening my point in dudes being ass hats.  But Nick did wind up getting a good night kiss in, thank the lord the Bouncer didn’t see it! 

But the fuck buddy saw. 

And he sees them making out, throws a tantrum and goes to another bar across the street.  (First of all, for serious dude?  A whole fucking year of sleeping with her and she is not at all tied to you in a relationship kind of way, and you freak out because she is kissing someone else.  Grow up jerk ass).

It was also that night on the birthday weekend that Lissa, our friend, tried to pawn her brother off on Zola.  She might have been drunk, but there is never a limit on drinks when it comes to banging your best friends little brother.  That’s a new level of low!  She wouldn’t do it anyways, but the whole pawning thing was a little hysterical. 

Now, she had gotten so intoxicated that she would say out loud, “These are my fuck me shoes!”  Do you know how many people that simple line actually works for?  Especially being a drunk girl yelling it at a bar?  Well, a lot, because she was the object of everyone’s affection that night.

After the club, and after a make out sesh with the Bouncer, they all went back to an old friends house.  We have all known this guy since we were kids.  He recently got married and his wife was away that night.  We don’t know where she was, but what happens next is inexcusable, and I don’t care who you are.  He whipped out his dong and put it in her face.  He is married (for sure) and she wasn’t having any part of that.  His wife was away and he was out looking for a good time.  (Just as a side note, why the fuck would you even bother getting married when there is no monogamy involved.  Clearly there is no love being shared, he goes out and cheats on his wife!?  Get the fuck out of town).

The next night they are all back out at the club.  Nick is there and he decides he is going to make out with another girl right in front of Zola.  After confessing his love for her he is going to make out with someone else right there!  Where she can see!  Now, this is what I love about my friends; we see shit like that we make immediate and amazing life decisions.  She went up, met his friend, and started making out with him.  Right there in front of Nick.  Motherfucker.  Take that!

Of course when you are out somewhere, you typically run into people that you don’t want to see.  So, who walks in to the club but Sando’s ex boyfriend.  She immediately tried to hide.  (Yes, by the way, this is EXACTLY what happens when you break up with someone and see them coming towards you in a crowded bar.  I am going to suggest doing squats so it’s easier to dip down under the bar and scoot away.)  She goes to find Zola and she is nowhere to be seen.  Lissa hadn’t seen her either, the other girls don’t know where she is, and she is gone!  As Sando is freaking out looking for her, she goes into the dark back room, which is crowded with people, and sees a little head pop up from one of the booths.  Low and behold its Zola the friend of Nick.  She was safe!  Unharmed!  And making out with the Rando in the dark corner booth.  Kudos. 

That night was also a blur, so trying to figure out what happened from Sando and Zola was a bit confusing!  But, I think I figured it out for the most part!  (Not going to lie, even this version right now is a revision).

As the night is coming to a close Lissa and some of the others went home either alone, or with others, Zola is sitting in the parked car with the Bouncer making out with him.  He told her he wanted to bring her home and she agreed.  Sando came out to make sure she was going to be safe; he promised she would be OK.  And off they went. 

Yup, off they went to a motel (a DIVVVEE!) down the road.  Zola later said it was actually kind of romantic, he ripped her clothes off and did naughty things to her, and as she tried to do naughty things to him something strange happened.  He busted all over himself.  (I can’t help but laugh out loud as I type this.  Come on!  HAHA.  I cant).  She said she was down there for about 2 seconds and she moved a little to push her hair out of her face, and that’s when it happened.  BOOM!  Everywhere!

He was clearly embarrassed.  “This never happens!  Wahh.  Oh my God!”  He immediately jumped in the shower to clean himself off.  I guess his own seamen grossed him out. 

Dude, it does happen.  Probably more than guys let on, calm down, collect yourself and get it up again already.  And he did!  He rose to the occasion.  Again, kudos Zola!

So as they’re going at it, he flips her over to go doggy, and she says she couldn’t do it.  She dried up.  Which is painful and annoying, and yea, you don’t want to continue after you have been rubbed raw.  And you know what he has to nerve to say?!

“You should ease up on using your vibrator.”

RUDE!!  Rude ass man!!  I think he was trying to say don’t use it so much because its hard to pleasure you with a real wiener.  But to me it sounds like he was saying, you’re a little loose.  I would have lost my shit if someone told me that.  Just saying.  He decided it would be a good idea to leave.  It was 5am and he apparently had to go to “work”.  He left her there with no car.  (Really!?  Really).  She tried calling Sando, who was wrapped in the arms of her man, and didn’t answer her for hours.

When Sando finally picked her up at 9:30 Zola was freaking out.  He cleaned up the room, apparently took the condom and the wrapper with him, and showered before he left.  Weird right?  I mean hotel hookups are typically you go in, you screw, you leave the room in shambles because you can, and then you leave the next morning.  Together.  Or maybe an hour apart.  You do NOT leave someone stranded in a skeevey motel!

So they go home to Sando’s house.  And now the texts start from the Rando.  Sando had also gotten his number and he was beginning to be a creeper and sending her random texts saying things like, “Wanna get lunch?’ ‘OK, so noon right?’ ‘Do you like Italian food?’ ‘Whatcha doing anyways?’

“NO!  How many times do I have to tell you that I am kind of seeing someone?”

“I want you for lunch.”

HAHA.  Awesome.

“Sorry buddy, lunch has already been served.”

Again, awesome.

Why is it that things like this happen strictly when I am not home to enjoy the festivities!?  I am SO upset by my own lack of dedication to my friends right now. 

Well, lets just say this; this weekend is Cinco de Mayo, and I think we should relive the details of this blog, give and take a few things like balls on peoples faces, and premature ejaculation, maybe the whole skeevey hotel.  But I like the idea of margaritas and make out sessions.