Holy Flying Dr. Pepper, Batman!

            As is typical I go out on Wednesday nights.  Wednesday happens to be Mase’s day off so when I get out of work late night I typically get a call asking what I am doing and bla bla bla. 

            “Nothing, just waking out of work.  Whatcha doing?”

            “I’m at OPH, come by.”

            “OK.  See you in a few then.”

            I get there and he is drinking and has been drinking for a while and here I come all sober and boring.  I fear this though; people are going to find out about us boffing because we are in the same places together, we sit together, we talk all night to each other, and then we leave together.  Is that inconspicuous?!  I submit that it is not!  But whatever.  I mean, shit happens right?  Do you think I care what people think about me or say?  Cause I can tell you right now that I don’t give a dead moose’s last shit.  (I fucking love that quote by the way).

            We talk all night, people are coming and going and we are sitting in the corner by the fun game machine playing games and shit and it’s around 2AM when he says, “listen, I don’t think I can drive out of here tonight.  Could you bring me to my car in the morning?  I mean, that is, if you are staying over (wink wink).”

            He just knows me so well! How did he know I was sleeping over?!  Weird!

            “Yea I can do that (wink wink).”

            So we get in the car to go home and he walks in the opposite direction of my vehicle.  So being that I am a good fucking person I drive to where he is and ask him what he is fucking doing!?

            “Getting my things, shit!”

            “Well, get your ass in the car!  It’s cold, damnit!”

            “Mind your tongue devil woman!”

            This is how a typical conversation goes.  I think its hysterical because I can say whatever I want and he doesn’t take offense to it; in fact he laughs it off because what else is he going to do?  He thinks I am an absurd human.  And guess what?  I think he might be right!  So were driving home and I see that my gas light is now on.  And I think to myself, ‘shit, now I have to get gas in the morning!’

            Did it occur to me that when I got the said gas for my vehicle that Mase would be in the car and we would be seen at the ass crack of dawn together driving around because I had to be up the next morning?  Nope, that didn’t occur to me.  So now I have Mase in the car and were driving down the road the next morning after a night of sweaty, long lasting, hot, (did I say sweaty?) sex.  But that’s neither here nor there…

            As were driving, I then realize that, ‘oh shit, my mom is working today!  And she is there!’

            “Ummm… So, listen, Mase.  My mom is working down the road and she judges everything I do sooooo…”

            “Are you telling me right now that you want me to put my seat back and pretend like I am not here?”

            “I mean, would you do that?”

            “Seriously?”

            “I mean, I guess it’s not that big of a deal.”

            I pull into the gas station before OPH and get some gas then as I am pulling out I realize that there is a semi coming down the road.  Brilliant idea!  I shall drive parallel to this large truck and hopefully she wont look into the road and see me.  However, even if she looks she will see the big truck and not my vehicle!  Christ, sometimes it hurts to be that smart!  So I yank out and I am driving along side of the truck.

            “SHIT!  Why is he slowing down!? 

            “He’s not slowing down!  Remain calm!”

            “Sir!  Sir!  I am going to need you to keep pace, sir!”

            “Are you fucking kidding me!?” he asks and starts laughing again.

            “SHIT!  She is outside!  Look!  There she is!”

            “Calm down!”

            “Sir!  Please move your large polluting ass!”

            “Oh my god.”

            Fortunately, we get there OK and my mom didn’t play witness to my sins or anything, so it all wound up being fine.  I pull into a spot near him and we sit there for a second.  I am flushed and nervous and skating because of the close call there, and he kind of just looks at me.  I see that he is looking at me funny.  I don’t know if it was because he wanted to give me kisses or if he thought I was a fucking whack job for yelling at inanimate objects.  So what better thing to do than to avoid awkward morning situations?  I throw my door open and jump out of the car!

            Again, he is looking at me.  He gets out of the car and is still just looking like he wants something.

            “What are you looking at Boo?”

            “Don’t fucking call me that.”

            “Well, what do you want?”

            “Nothing.”

            “Wanna, like, hug it out or something?”

            “NOPE!”

            “OK.  Well then have a lovely day.  Bye.”

            I am walking away.  I am feeling all sassy and shit, in the same outfit I wore the night before looking like a two-bit, shweaty balls, mess.  I am trying to walk seductively.  (Which never looks good on anyone).  And then I get hit in the calf with something.  What the fuck was that!?  I turn around and he is standing on the other side of the truck, pointing and laughing at me.  He had thrown a Dr.Pepper at me!  (Granted it was empty, but whatever).  He waves like a little gay man and I pick up the can and throw it back.  He ducks and I missed.  Obviously.  Damn him!

            Long story short.  It was an awesome morning.  I like laughing that early.  It kind of gets the day going in a direction that is acceptable.  Nothing is worse than having a good night (in bed… or outside of bed, but whatever) and waking up happy, ready to start the day, than for someone to shit on you.  So yay for me for having an all around fantastic fucking day.