Ohhhh Watering Hole

Before reading this blog, just let it be known that there are like 3 new ones here.  Thanks to the hurricane that left me powerless and internet-less, I have a few things happening in the life of ME!  Just a forewarning, you have to read the first blog of November to get the references in the following blogs.  Sorry for the wait, and your welcome for the entertainment.  I mean, I was entertained enough and therefore, you should be too!  Oh!  And ps. I actually talk about sex in the November blogs because I actually am having it again and I don't have to talk about socks or provocative-go-nowhere things!  Get excited because shit's about to get WEIRD in the life of the Naked Napper.  

            I met my group of friends out the other night, first night out back at home, and oddly enough we went to the Watering Hole.  WEIRD!!  Anyways, were all sitting there throwing back the drinks and catching up and whatnot.  Sando and I go outside to smoke really quickly, and remember a few months ago when I said to you all that I shouldn’t be allowed to drink and bring my cell phone with me?  Well, this time it wasn’t even my fault!  Anyways, we go out to smoke and I come back in a few minutes later to discover Cheese texting someone. 

            Lo, it was MY phone she was texting on. 

            “Cheese!  What are you doing?”

            “Ohhh nothing…  Just helping you out.”

            I try to grab the phone to see what she is saying and to whom.  And she is texting the Cousin, who will now be dubbed Mickey (hahaha.  I laugh because I feel so much better about not calling him Cousin anymore, and because Mickey is just funny to me for some reason that I am not fully aware of at the moment).

            “What?  He texted you and I saw the phone go off and I saw his name scroll across the top so I answered for you!” Cheese says to me.

            This is what transpires;

            Mickey, “Ohhh welcome home. Thanks for the call.”

            “You didn’t call me!”

            “You were the one coming back!”

            “You were the one that was already here!”

            “Yea yea, excuses.”

            “You’re full of excuses.  When are you coming up here?”

            “I'll be up there Friday.”

            “Lemme know if you wanna hang.”

            “I'll definitely hit you up.”

            Not too too bad right?  Wrong.  Wrong because again, like an ass clown I go outside and leave Cheese to chat with Mickey but then Jeff chimes in and texts me leaving me vulnerable to all.  He starts the conversation by saying that he is not going to meet up with me out that night because he is home watching a movie.  To which my FRIENDS respond…

            “Waste of my time.”

            “Listen!  I tease and I joke.  There is no need to get rude with me when I am laying in bed.”

            “Watch a better movie.  Correction… Lets make a better movie.”

            “Bit time talker!”

            “Is that a challenge?”

            “Just stating a fact.”

            “You don’t want to worry about a camera.  You just want me inside of you.  There's nothing wrong with that.  I don’t mind at all.”

            I was not at all floored by this comment.  He is a dirty talking man, and I dig it.  But I am pretty sure that Cheese almost fell off her barstools when she read it!

            “So who is the big talker now?”

            Then he goes on to say something about me being a lesbian because, you know, that’s a fucking reoccurring thing in my life these days.  First my dad asks me if I am gay for not having a boyfriend, now this kid is telling me I love the muff.  To which my FRIENDS respond…

            “Not as much as you like mine…”

            “Depends!  I have never been involved in a threesome.”

            “My grandma wears those.  You haven’t lived much have you?”

            “Do you think I could handle it?”

            “Not even a little bit.”

            “I guess I will never find out.”

            “I guess you’re not adventurous enough.”

            “Would you ever want to share me?”

            “I don’t play well with others.”

            “I don’t mind being not sharable.”

            Insert… what the hell does that even mean?  Is that his way of telling me he wants to be monogamous?  Because I can say one thing right now and it’s this; FUCK NO.  Sorry, pal, but I don’t exactly want to be in a relationship when I have all these prospects! I am making up for almost 6 years of lost time here and I don’t have the time to put into a relationship right now!  I just wanna bang.  Is that kind of a man thing to say?  Fine, let it be a man thing, but I guess I am going to have sex like a man and not give a shit.  That’s what they do right?  Just bang and not care?

            The conversation pretty much ends there and then the door to the Watering Hole opens up and I am not paying attention to who is walking in, but then Sando knocks my knee out and I turn at her to say something like, “what the fuck!?” and then Cheese is on my other side poking me.  I don’t know whats going on because they’re both acting weird, then I smell him.  And then I hear him.

            Guy #1.

            “Hey you.  How was everything down south?”

            “It was good.”

            “Apparently not good enough.  Your home for vacation or good?”

            “Good.  Got a new job up here.”

            Then I stopped talking to him. 

            We didn’t converse for the rest of the night, but that was fine with me.  And then I talked to Mickey today, Jeff is probably petrified of me, and Guy #1… I laugh in his general direction.

            Moral of the story; Don’t leave your intoxicated friends in charge of any conversation your having via text unless you know they are only going to get you laid.  Ergo, my friends are pretty sweet.  Not only do I get laid a few times a week, but also it looks as though I am going to be double dipping before long. 

Welcome home!