Fathers Thoughts

            I am going to meet up with Jeff and before walking out the door to leave my dad turns to me and looks me up and down.  I am wearing yoga pants, a long sleeve shirt and a vest or something (I don’t remember at the moment what I was wearing shirt wise).  My hair is up in a bun and I am wearing my glasses.  Granted, dad thinks I am going out to a bar to watch the Giants game with this man, he doesn’t know I am going to watch the Giants game at his house on the big screen.  I am almost 30 years old and I am still lying about my whereabouts and feel as though I cant tell him the truth about it because I feel like a dirty stay out!

            So he looks me up and down and says, “you’re going out like that?”

            “Christ, whats wrong?”

            “Well, I mean, you look like a lesbian.  Are you a lesbian?!”

            “Jesus Christ, Dad, no I am not a lesbian. I am going to meet up with a boy!  Just to prove to you that I am not a lesbian.”

            “Yea right!  Whats this boy’s name?  Where is he from?  What does he do for a living?  Oh, so he makes money.  Where are you going?  When are you going to be home?  Do we get to meet him?”

            “You’re not meeting him anytime soon.”

            “Fine whatever.  But you need to do something about how you look.”

            “Why, dad, why?”

            “You look like a lesbian, we don’t want this boy to not like you because you need to get married and get out of my house.”

            “Thanks Dad!”

            So of course I go to the bathroom and pop in my contacts and do nothing with my hair and do nothing about my clothes.  I am so very sorry to disappoint you, Dad!  But my ‘date’ has seen me in nice clothes as well as “the workout look” clothing.  And he doesn’t care!  I am also lying about where I am going so I know that my ‘date’ is going to be in sweats anyways!  Why am I going to go out of my way to look all nice nice for someone who isn’t going to see me in the light of day or even by the light of a fucking lamp because the game is going to be on and the lights will be off.

            I come back downstairs and he, again, looks at me with a look.  You know the “look” that parents throw out there when they have nothing to be disappointed in but there is something that disgusts them?  THAT LOOK!  Well I get that look and just huff out the door.  My sister and dad are laughing at me as I leave and my mom, the only person in the damn house that was nice to me that day, says, “Have fun Pie!”

            Upon arriving at the house, I am worrying now about looking like a lesbian.  I don’t think I looked like a lesbian.  And I am not saying that look is bad or whatever, I don’t have a problem with people’s choices, but I am just saying.  It’s not for me.  Moving on… I called Cheese.

            “Dad just told me I looked like a lesbian!  I am sitting in Jeff’s driveway at the moment.  There is no time to turn back!”

            “Why would he call you that?!” she asks laughing.

            “My outfit!  Then he said I need to make men like me because I need to get married and move out of his house!”

            “Ohhh my god!!!  I love your dad!  Hey, Thad, ‘names’ dad just called her out on looking like a lesbian.”

            Then I hear Thad in the background laughing.

            “Whatever, jerks, I have to go!”

            Let’s just put it this way, Jeff didn’t care what I looked like!!  So, BAM!  In your face dad!