Now,
I know what I have said in the past about men being unnecessary. However, I think there is a small
inkling of a light somewhere in my black soul that thinks maybe they’re
OK. In small doses. Small, small doses. Very small.
Take
Jeff for example; smart, adorable, funny, good in bed, caring. Who wouldn’t want to have that in their
corner?! I, for one, would love to
have that in my corner, unfortunately the time isn’t correct. However, my timing is never correct. Hello! I am still single, and I still haven’t had sex in North
Carolina, and I still want to be monogamous. In some small form of the word. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like having a random sex life,
and I like not being tied down and I like doing what I want. But there is something in being with
one person that is also comforting.
I
liked the whole coming home to one person. And seeing that persons face as you fall asleep, and waking
up knowing that he is going to be they’re laying next to you. There is something in knowing
everything about one person and that person knowing everything about you. Comfort in sitting a certain way on a
couch and snuggling so that you’re both comfortable. Even taking a shower together is fun.
“Your
hair clean? OK. Switch.” (You then rotate 160 degrees so that they can wash their
hair.)
Unfortunately
for me I don’t have this. I did at
one time. But I don’t
anymore. Somewhere deep inside of
me is sad, but the other deep dark place is kind of happy with it. But I could have had it with Jeff. Of course I could have! He shoots me texts every now and again
asking how I am and calling me “Hun”.
Which I love. Too bad our
time spent together was learning one another’s anatomy and not getting to
really know one another. (But am I
complaining? NOPE! Got to have sex when I wanted for a
while… no complaints here).
But
why did he have to be the one that was perfect?
Could
things have been more? I don’t
know. Was I happy with the way it
ended? Well, I guess it didn’t
really end on any term being that he was staying and I was going. But NO! I was not happy with the ending damnit! It just figures that all this shit I
deal with in my life pans out for the worst when it would have or could have
been better.
Perfection?
It
makes me wonder if there really is any such thing. Think about it; you’re in love. You are head over heals in love with someone, and you think
they feel the same. Then
“BAM! A fucking bullet rips off
half your head and your brain is laying on the ground in little bloody pieces,”
now here is the question… Was it
worth it? Was it worth your brains
and your heart being blown up over someone that would have or could have been
the one? Or would you go back and
do it all over strictly for the experience of loss and hurt? Perhaps in hopes of finding something
better? Or maybe in knowing what
you DON’T want in the next relationship?
Would you have settled into your life with said person because it was
all you knew?
Perfection
in Jeff? Maybe. Could it have gone somewhere? Perhaps. Would it have ended poorly because I am a black curse on the
relationship front? New nickname
for myself would be “Plague.” I can’t
keep them, and I don’t think they want to keep me. Honestly, think about it…
Is
it perfection or it is a reoccurring upset?
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