Blast from the Past

            You all remember the first time you had sex.  Or the first time you were kissed, or the first time you even held hands with someone.  Of course you remember, sometimes we like to forget the small details, but maybe it explains a lot about who we become in the future.  For instance, after my first sexual encounter, I just wanted more (not to mention better).  And now look at me!  I am the author of this here sex blog.  (Although the sex has been lacking, you all cant say the blogs havn’t been entertaining!)

            Backing up the bus…

            I was in 8^th grade when I got my first kiss (I think it was 8^th grade).  Needless to say I was a late bloomer in all capacity.  Some of my friends had been French kissing people since we were in 5^th grade.  (Your 10 in 5^th grade, what the fuck do you know about tongue kissing?!).  I even knew people that were “experimenting” in 7^th grade.  (This is the problem with youths today!  They see one porno and, BAM! it’s the right thing to do!  WRONG!  Have fun getting herpes or Chlamydia by age 13).

            By the time I was in 9^th grade or maybe 10^th I don’t know, I had done everything but have sex, and I made myself a promise… I will get laid before college.  I had some time to think about it and weigh my options.  My train of thought is this; you DO NOT want to go to college a virgin!  I mean come on!  Get it over with in the back of some car with some guy, feel an extreme need to pee, and wonder “THIS is what I have been waiting for?” for 7 minutes then put your pants on and go to your best friends house to sit on her front porch, smoke a cigarette, and ponder the idea of sex.  There had to be more to it than that.  There fucking BETTER be more than that!

            In case you all were wondering, the afore mentioned paragraph was exactly what happened to me at the time I lost my virginity.  Not all lights and candles and hot waxes and chocolate covered strawberries is it!?  Fuck no!  Please, that shit, never happens anymore.  And if it does, he doesn’t give a shit about the romance, he just wants to eat some strawberries and fuck and pass out.  It’s the way of the world.  Men are still Neanderthals.  They can’t help it!  (Fucking Darwinism).

            Let’s put it this way, in college I had a LOT of fun.  Some times I do not in fact remember, other times I would like to forget.  And some were memorable enough for a blog.

            Like the one time I was at one of the baseball guys houses and I woke up the next morning next to one of my friends who I had apparently had sex with (don’t follow after me, it’s not pretty) and I see my underwear dangling off the side of the bed.  I am laying there thinking, “coyote ugly, holy shit.”  I start reaching with my toe to grab my cute little skanky underwear.  Snagged!  Throw on my clothes, which are scattered about the room and call my roommate ASAP for a pick up. 

            Or the other time when I went home with this bouncer at the club we used to go to and it turns out he lived with his parents in a lovely South Carolina mansion.  His headboard shared a dividing wall with his grandmother.  That makes for awkward feelings the next morning when you’re dressed like a two bit whore because it is in fact Halloween and your walking out the front door of a stranger’s home.  All eyes on you.  Awesome.

            Or the time I was making out with someone at my friends house and I come to find out he is enlisted in some service (always a turn on for me I don’t know what it is.  Firemen (makes my teeth sweat), Navy, Army, Marines.  I don’t know what it is about these men, but it happens.  Anyways, he was in some service or another and we're going at it and shit, and he stops and tells me “I have to change my pants.”  Remind me never to be that good at nothing ever again, thanks.

            Ever have a guy tell you something absurd?  For instance this one guy told me he was “like really good” at performing oral sex.  I didn’t know whether to laugh at him or challenge him.  Whatever, I took it as a challenge.  Long story very short, I got up and left.  I should have placed a fucking bet on it because I would have walked away a victor. 

            I would like to take a moment and ponder the ideas of pre-sex fun.  There is always the edible underwear thing, which can get sticky and messy sometimes.  Of course there is also the lighting of candles and lingerie.  I am talking more along the lines of hysterical shit people can do in the bedroom or on a couch.  For instance, a Ball-Cuzzi.  Kind of like a Jacuzzi for the balls.  Picture this; solo cup filled with warm water and a straw.  Insert straw, insert balls, and blow.  Not only is it entertaining to watch, but its hysterical!  Who wouldn’t want to laugh before “fun sex?”  There are so many things that people can do for entertainment purposes pre-sex!

            Anyways, just writing this shit today makes me wonder about myself and how I am alive and kicking!  I will say this though, experience is awesome.  Knowledge is power.  Performing your knowledgeable power through sex is fucking sweet.  Hey, when your good at something make it yours right!  I’m not saying go jump on the pole (although I could use the money), I am just saying!  If your good at blow jobs, blow! 

            Any suggestions of pre-sex fun?  I am up for hearing some ideas!