Morton’s Salt Girl

            Ever hear the expression, “when it rains it pours”?  Well remember yesterday’s blog in which I stated that Jeff, Guy#1, and Hot Guy from ball hadn’t contacted me at all.  Well imagine me sitting on my porch playing rummy infinity with Finny, drinking a Mountain Trash beer (Coors Light... love) and smoking some butts.  My phone beeps its dumb ass text message beep I think, “who the fuck is contacting me this late?  Cheese is probably sleeping, Finny is right here, Brownie is home with her child, TT is working, Thad is probably putzing around on the computer, Hatch doesn’t text me that late, and Reg just left so I know she’s not texting me… who is this!?”

            Fucking Jeff!  Unreal!  After almost one entire month of nothing, nada, zilch, I get a message from him that goes a little like this…

            “Hey!  I’m back around (hometown).  How’s everything going (name)?

            “Hey Jeff.  Everything is good on my end.  How about you?”

            “Nice.  How’s your week going?”

            “Going, going.  How’s your grandmother?”

            Lets remember here that almost one month ago on the night he stood me up, he told me that he needed to go check on his grandmother and then bailed last minute.  Which is understandable you know, but send someone a message so they’re not waiting around for you.  Not that I did that because I am so far above such things and I am not the type to wait by the phone like a loser… Anymore… Shut up. 

            “Sorry I havn’t been around to meet up with you for those hugs we had discussed.  My fault.”

             Yes, yes dumb ass, it is your fault.

            “It’s ok.  I forgive you your transgressions.  Might have to make it 2 hugs, but whatever.”

            See what I did there? 

            “How about 3 and we call it even?  Fair?”

            “I can’t commit to that much hugging.”

            Whatever else was said was boring and ridiculous.  But I think I set him up nicely for a little something in the future.  Hey, I mean, come on.  Lets be serious.  I started this blog as a sex blog and whats the only thing missing from it these last few entries?  Sex?  Yea, I’m going round 2 with this motherfucker.  (As a side note, is it possible to become a virgin again?  Cause I think I am almost there). 

            He has been texting me this morning as well.  Needs pointers on playing softball.  I am the queen I guess.  If I were a queen it would be amazing.  I would have sex slaves.

            Also, Hot Guy answered me back in a Facebook message.  He is definitely flirting as well.  He told me to “watch that left center fielder, I hear he is pretty awesome… bla bla bla”

            To which I responded in kind, “oh don’t you worry, I have been scouting you.”

            That answer, to me, was good because you know, its clear that I have been staring at you for he past month, but it also could mean that I am scouting you for the boy vs. girl game we have planned.  Either way… Winning!

            Wouldn’t you know that last night Guy #1 texted Cheese last night?  Remember how I always said that he would text my friends and not me, and that I personally think he did it to get under my skin?  Well, again, last night he is texting her.  She threatened him with a knee to the balls. HAHA.  But seriously!  Move on, doucher!

            I don’t know what it is about me.  Things always come in threes.  3 men, 3 non-men, 3 horrific incidents, 3 bruises.  Anything!  Name it, and I get it in threes!  Ergo, Morton’s Salt Girl should be my next tattoo because when it rains it fucking pours.  For better or worse.