What a Moron

         

            It’s father’s day.  My mom calls me up and asks me to come over to help cook and clean and whatnot.  I, of course, go because I want to make my black bean hummus. 

            I finish making the hummus, I sit down at the table and I am playing on Facebook when I hear a truck pulling up into the driveway.  I don’t really care to move to see who it is.  But then I realize it is a familiar truck.

            “Mom, who is supposed to be coming here?”

            “Oh, Guy #1.  He is picking up the pig roaster.”

            Fan-fucking-tastic.  Why not!?

            Now, my car is on the fritz, so he doesn’t know that I am at my moms.  He comes to the front door and comes inside, as the door is always open and people just tend to walk in.  No worries, everyone does it.

            That motherfucker didn’t even acknowledge me!  I said hello to him and his friend and I get nothing!  Not even a fucking wave.  First of all, not only did you tell me to go fuck myself at MY house, but now you’re going to act like a fucking ass hole at my mom’s house?!  This has got to be some kind of joke.  Alas, it is not a joke.  I wish I had a water bottle handy.  Donkey Kong!

            Fuck it!  I don’t move from my chair to deal out hugs, I just continue to Facebook and whatnot.  He talks to my mom for like 5 minutes and I am sitting right near them. 

            Long story short; they go outside to load the truck up and I stay inside.  I show my face on the porch to grab some herbs or something, and I know he looked at me without me having to make eye contact.  Fucker.  Yea, I am wearing short shorts and a skank top.  Keep looking!  I am going to rant here!!

            I’m so sorry you felt it necessary to come over here to pick up the roaster.  I am sorry you act like a fucking child when it comes to, oh, I don’t know, life in general.  I am incredibly sorry you think it’s ok to walk into someone’s house and not even say hello to them, making everything a million times more obvious and awkward.  I am sorry you were probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  And most of all, I am sorry that you exist in my small world. Go fuck yourself.

            See, what I don’t understand is why.  I don’t understand why you act like that?  You’re the one that wanted nothing to do with me after 2 months of consistent hanging out and shit.  You’re the one that got weirded out when I went out on a date.  You’re the one that said to me, “are we just going to do this forever?” when we were making out on the porch at the Watering Hole.  You’re the one that asked me to come over all the time.  You’re the one that made me dinner.  You’re the one that ended things, and I was fine with it.  But then you were also the one that calls my friends and sister in hopes of acting like were in 4^th grade and your punching me on the playground trying to make me mad.  In actuality, you’re not making me mad, your making me hate you.  Like, a lot. 

            So he leaves.  Then of course my mom turns to me and says, “I take it your not talking to Guy #1?”

            “What are you saying about?  I said hello to him.”

            “Seems to me like you guys are fighting.”

            If she only fucking knew.

            “Na, were not fighting.”

            She knows now, if I put it off all those other times she would ask about why I was hanging out with him all the time, and me making amazing excuses for myself, it was all for naught.  She knows. 

            In closing, Guy #1, make like an ice cream cone, and lick me.