I
went to Guy #1’s house last night to grab something from him (Reg’s cooler...
pervs) and we hung out like old times.
Actually, being that I am infatuated with him I didn’t want to hang out
with him like that or hear about the “old cougar that lives down the road and
doesn’t shave her bush” or “the Brazilian keeps trying to Face Time me” or “the
girl I have been trying to date.”
First
of all, you’re full of shit.
Secondly, shut the fuck up.
I know I have said this before, but I am done with him. Sitting across from him last night I
was actually really put off by him.
I think my infatuation of him whizzed away like a balloon that the air
was let out of; fast and wriggly.
So I did what any normal person would do and that would be to delete his
phone number so never to tempt myself with it, and delete all texts we passed,
and I basically burn noticed him without the mysterious phone call that states,
“you have been burned, don’t return to such and such a place EVER!”
Motherfucker.
So
upon this little revelation while sitting in my car in his driveway, I decide
fuck it, I am going to get a drink.
(Don’t think of me as an alcoholic, I just like drinks… a lot). So I go
down to one of the bars we frequent, which is not the Watering Hole, with Sando
and we have a few drinks.
Come
the end of the night I figure, fuck it, I am going to Thad and Cheese’s wedding
with this guy, I might as well see what I am working with. (Haha) so I yell across the bar,
“hey! Wanna make out later?”
The
guy just laughs at me and shakes his head but answers, “sure!”
FYI
my head is in my hands right now shaking back and forth because I really need
to not do these things, but I do them anyways. Fuck me right?
Not literally, figuratively.
I
lean over to Sando and I say, “might as well right?”
She
laughs at me and says, “yup!”
“I
mean, my eggs are drying up, I need to see if there is anything there worth
feeding the fire with. I should
just call my eggs Rice Krispies; Snap, Crackle, and Pop.”
Whatever,
so he closes the bar down and walks me to my car. He is walking away from me! I am thinking to myself now, fuck no! So I yell over to him, “sooo this isn’t
going to happen?!”
He
walks over to me and kisses me.
It
was very movie-like. You know,
where there are no words exchanged but your just grabbed and they plant one on
you? Yea, it was something like
that. (ps, I think I have a rash
on my lips from his stubble… I
HATE that!) HAHA.
Well,
being that Guy #1 is a massive bag of douche, this guy I am making out with in
well lit parking lots at 5am probably isn’t going to wind up being my type, and
Jeff is a little shy or something, I am going to have to go on a manhunt to
find someone to have babies with me.
Oh, wait.. I hear something…
ITS
JUST MY OVARIES DRYING AND MY EGGS DYING!
No big deal!
“Save
me!” SNAP!
“Wait,
wait!...” CRACKLE!
“Bye
bye,” POP!
Find
me someone to have babies with so I don’t have to go poking holes in condoms
and acting like a crazy mad person that makes out with men in parking lots, or
becomes obsessed with some ass face.
It’s not even about the relationship anymore! I just want babies.
Women do not need men for anything; this is why the sex toy industry was
invented. THEY KNEW IT FROM THE
FUCKING START! Ergo, we can
pleasure ourselves, we can raise babies alone, and we don’t need a man to
impregnate us. Hello! Sperm banks! That’s my latest revelation, by the way, I am almost 28, if
I am not A. pregnant by the time I am 28.5 years old or B. already knocked up,
I am going to the sperm bank and picking out a lovely man with dark hair and
blue eyes with an IQ of 729372973 that went to Harvard Law and plays sports
without injury, with no obvious signs of cancer in his family, and I am turkey
basting the shit out of his sperm.
Fuck
it! I don’t need a kid coming from
me when I am 36 years old that has mental issues and maybe a hand protruding
from its forehead because my eggs are fucked. I would rather pick a mate. (By mate I mean sperm donor).
I
have ONE year to figure this shit out.
Thanks!
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