The Run In

            Dread.

            That is one word I will use to describe how I was feeling one night when I ran into the ex.  It was the first time I really saw him out and about after the break up.  I think the hardest thing about seeing him was knowing how bad I was hurt, and seeing him laughing with his friends and singing along to the songs he played on the jukebox, and knowing he seemed happy.

            It was my friends birthday weekend.  We all went out for dinner at this fancy little place.  So as were all sitting there, about ten of us, we were laughing and having a good time and sipping fancy drinks, I hear my phone going off in my pocket.  It was strange hearing a ring tone I hadn’t heard in two months and knowing that when I looked down at my phone his picture would be there looking back up at me.

            “Why is this happening right now?” I asked the crowd as I showed them the picture and the phone being called.

            “Fuck him.” 

“Don’t answer it!” 

“What the fuck is he calling for?” 

“Really?!”

I don’t know what it is about this guy.  Every time he makes contact with me I feel defeated all over again.  I swear, I can’t move after hearing from him.  I fall right back into a depression.  To the point where I don’t want to get out of bed and my mood is rotten.  I find a sprinkle of peace in my life and then it is shot down once I hear his voice or see he has written me another email.  It’s unbearable. 

I don’t answer the phone, but I do feel a little out of it.  I suddenly want to go home and crawl into my bed under the covers and cry.  But, it was my best friends birthday night out and I am an awesome friend, so I carry on.  It’s all you can do when you feel like a walking pile of dog shit and your heart is cracking into pieces again.

Carry on.

The next night my friend and I were out at the Watering Hole again.  (I know, I know, don’t judge), and as were going to leave to relocate, I get a text from him saying he is going to be there that night and he has some things for me from the old apartment.  I text him saying I just left, but maybe I will come back later to grab my things.

Again, I am in a terrible mood.  I am so low at this point that I didn’t even want to go out for those drinks at the other bar, but I did.  Sando asked me if I wanted to go back to the Watering Hole and I thought about it for a bit.  I did want to go back.  I figured I was going to run into him sooner or later.  I would rather just get it over with.  So, we headed back to the other bar.

I was paralyzed with nerves and fear and dread once we got there.  I chain smoked on the car ride over to calm myself, but that just made me even more nervous.  Since he had last seen me I dropped about 15 pounds and I cut my hair short and dyed it red.  I was hoping he wouldn’t even notice me or recognize me.

Of course he notices me.  I went to the corner of the bar away from where he was.  I think in the back of my mind somewhere I was hoping he wouldn’t have still been there.  Maybe he just dropped off my things and went home.  But that was not the case at all.  Why would that be the case?  Shit never works out in my favor.  Typical.

He came over to me, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and asked me how I was doing.  I wouldn’t and couldn’t look at him in the eye.  I almost threw up.  I could feel it rising in my throat, but I managed to word vomit that I was fine.  He invited me and my friend to come and sit with them at their table, but I just shook my head and said no, I couldn’t do that.

I don’t think I can put into words how hard it was for me to sit there, in the same room with him without crying and or punching him in the face repeatedly.  So I sipped my lite beer and tried to have conversation with my friend as if I wasn’t hurting.  I tried laughing and it was foreign.  I tried everything, but nothing worked.

She got up to go to the bathroom and he came over and sat next to me.  He was asking me all about things we would talk about when we were a couple; things I had planned months ago and he knew about.  It was like Chinese water torture.  Sando came back from the bathroom and he sat with us and chatted for a few minutes and that’s when it happened.

I broke. 

I went into the bathroom and stood there with my head on the wall trying to convince myself to stop crying.  He doesn’t love you anymore.  He is probably with someone else by now.  He is sitting in the next room having conversation with you.  Your not his anymore.  You need to get over this.  How can you get over this?  How can you sit here knowing he is happy and your in a bathroom bawling your eyes out?

I cleaned myself up and went back.  I grabbed my jacket from where he was sitting and I went outside.  He asked my friend how I was, and she told him I was great and that she wanted it to stay that way.  She told him she broke up with her boyfriend on Valentines day.

“Wow, that’s harsh.”

“Yea, but not as harsh as breaking up with someone on the day of their friends funeral.”

“I deserve that.”

“You deserve a hell of a lot more than that, but she asked me to be nice.”

This is why I love my friends. 

I went back inside and finished my drink, he wasn’t sitting there when I went back inside so we chugged them down and I left.  I went home and sat on my bed and stared into nothing for hours.  I felt numb and broken.

I sent him a text message that asked him to not speak to me, even if it was something funny or friendly.  I didn’t need or want his friendship.  He said he wouldn’t contact me anymore.  I had a rush of emotions.  I loved him.  I still love him.  I don’t know how to get over it.  Clearly my method of screwing people without emotions wasn’t working for me anymore.  It was like I was trying to fill the emptiness of losing him with random sex. 

Guy #1 called me the next day to see what was up.  I didn’t even answer him.  It became clear to me that I was not ready for anything more than sex with anyone.  I had fallen back into my stale routine of being alone, and crying, and sleeping.

Three days later I pulled myself up off the bed and showered. 

I called guy #1 and had sex with him.  It was a nice buffer to keep on the back burner.  And he makes me forget about my shitty problems. 

Maybe one day I will get over it, but right now I am just happy getting under people.